My goodness...I know this journey has been terribly difficult until the day of my BFP and you celebrate that day with pure happiness and every day since then focus on growing a healthy baby inside..you think you can continue being happy...I am I really am but there is still a part of me that questions?
I am continuing with all the symptoms of early pregnancy, all day nauseous, tiredness, sore boobs which are all great things as it feels like things are going along fine but it does not stop you questioning will everything be ok? Will we find a heart beat? Of course I want to be optimistic and think well I have been in those shoes before go to my scan and no heart beat so it cant happen again it cant!!
But man this 4 week wait since I found out at 4 weeks is driving me bloodynuts...I cant tell the world yet just in case however I feel like crap every day so having a reason for feeling sick all the time would be nice to share and then there are the pregnancy rumours already going around about me that I am pregnant in my local community which I chose to ignore but please cant people leave me alone!!! Cant they stop being sticky beaks
and you know you suffer from infertility and miscarriages when you finally get your BFP every time you go to the toilet without habit always checking my panty liners for blood for any signs but so far so good...that you stay optimistic but fear of no heart beat at your viability scan...bad luck cant happen twice cant it..I have already been dealt that card..
that you get excited when you have pregnancy symptoms as with no symptoms you question whether everything is ok? even though many women go have successful pregnancies without symtpoms....
so its terrible that this time round Im not so innocent because of my history but that only makes us and me stronger and wiser and to not forget where we came from because for me I will never forget my journey of TTC and my infertility as I have not crossed to the otherwise I am still infertile but am luckily and proudly got my BFP from IVF now I just need to keep it..I will never feel like that I belong in same group as women who are fertile and will find it hard to connect to other mothers to be who have not endured the painful journey us infertiles have..I know thats wrong but its how I feel...
So with just over 2.5 weeks now until my viability scan I need to continue to maintain my sanity
Thursday 30 June 2011
Sunday 26 June 2011
Selflessness is ok to get what you want!
Yesterday was a struggle as it was our first family get together/public display since we got our BFP even though the secret has not been revealed yet.
It was my nephew (sister in law and brother in law) first birthday.
I struggled in that when I got there I was suffering bad bloating my stomach blew up and I looked 4 months pregnant..how the hell was I going to try to hide it...hmmm a scarf to distract attention from it and to stay seated the whole time in one place lol apart from that it was very painful as well..
My mother in law and father in law were there and obviously they know..they were full of congratulations for us and excited to have another grandchild on the way. Even though my other sister in law (which is mother in law daughter) just gave birth 4 weeks ago to a beautiful boy my in laws obviously love to see their family grow.
It was so wonderful to be able to hold my new nephew again...he is so adorable and my Sister in law didnt have trouble conceiving but did have a miscarriage last year so they deserve this happiness as we do!!!
Its funny though as soon as new born arrives in the room he is swamped with attention its wonderful..I always sit back at first and instead of trying to fight the women off to get a hold of the baby wait patiently for my turn..
Why do women do that? Why do they become obsessed and find the need to push everyone else out of the way to get to hold him first.
I dont fall victim to those silly games. I sit back and when the time was right I sat next to the mother (arms empty of baby) and talked to her...then my dearest mother in law got her grandson baby back and brought him over to me....Awwww thats nice...I did not even have to ask..so yes I got a cuddle..if I did not get a cuddle it would not be end of the world but it came to me so it was ok...
Then after all that when we were leaving my other self centred sister in law (mother of 1 year old bday boy..confused yet?) has to pipe up and tell my husband and I we must come over to see her boys so they get to know their uncle and aunty..she always says it like we have all the time in the world and that we dont care...I hate being made feel guilty..for my whole life until last couple of years...I gave gave gave to everyone bloody else and forgot about me ..it was not until this TTC journey became difficult I realised I was giving away all my good energy to everyone else and not keeping it for myself...We do see the boys every 2 - 3 months but they live over an hour away its not easy to get to plus if she only knew what the last 6 months of my life have been like..I have been really selfish and that when I need to rest I do...yes the world lives on and yes people grow and change but its not like I dont see them at all..
I will need to tell her what we have been through but you think she would have a pretty good idea we want a family and especially since she knows we had a miscarriage 2 years ago like hello..we still have no baby in arms yet but this dream is only 35 weeks away ..but this other sister in law is so so selfish and the whole world evolves around her and her family and thats ok but I dont have energy to be subject to that right now...I didnt have it last 6 months and I still dont have it...I love my nephews but at detriment of our own family I cant....so she will have to get use to visits 2 - 3 months at family gatherings as I cant stand to be alone with her
It was my nephew (sister in law and brother in law) first birthday.
I struggled in that when I got there I was suffering bad bloating my stomach blew up and I looked 4 months pregnant..how the hell was I going to try to hide it...hmmm a scarf to distract attention from it and to stay seated the whole time in one place lol apart from that it was very painful as well..
My mother in law and father in law were there and obviously they know..they were full of congratulations for us and excited to have another grandchild on the way. Even though my other sister in law (which is mother in law daughter) just gave birth 4 weeks ago to a beautiful boy my in laws obviously love to see their family grow.
It was so wonderful to be able to hold my new nephew again...he is so adorable and my Sister in law didnt have trouble conceiving but did have a miscarriage last year so they deserve this happiness as we do!!!
Its funny though as soon as new born arrives in the room he is swamped with attention its wonderful..I always sit back at first and instead of trying to fight the women off to get a hold of the baby wait patiently for my turn..
Why do women do that? Why do they become obsessed and find the need to push everyone else out of the way to get to hold him first.
I dont fall victim to those silly games. I sit back and when the time was right I sat next to the mother (arms empty of baby) and talked to her...then my dearest mother in law got her grandson baby back and brought him over to me....Awwww thats nice...I did not even have to ask..so yes I got a cuddle..if I did not get a cuddle it would not be end of the world but it came to me so it was ok...
Then after all that when we were leaving my other self centred sister in law (mother of 1 year old bday boy..confused yet?) has to pipe up and tell my husband and I we must come over to see her boys so they get to know their uncle and aunty..she always says it like we have all the time in the world and that we dont care...I hate being made feel guilty..for my whole life until last couple of years...I gave gave gave to everyone bloody else and forgot about me ..it was not until this TTC journey became difficult I realised I was giving away all my good energy to everyone else and not keeping it for myself...We do see the boys every 2 - 3 months but they live over an hour away its not easy to get to plus if she only knew what the last 6 months of my life have been like..I have been really selfish and that when I need to rest I do...yes the world lives on and yes people grow and change but its not like I dont see them at all..
I will need to tell her what we have been through but you think she would have a pretty good idea we want a family and especially since she knows we had a miscarriage 2 years ago like hello..we still have no baby in arms yet but this dream is only 35 weeks away ..but this other sister in law is so so selfish and the whole world evolves around her and her family and thats ok but I dont have energy to be subject to that right now...I didnt have it last 6 months and I still dont have it...I love my nephews but at detriment of our own family I cant....so she will have to get use to visits 2 - 3 months at family gatherings as I cant stand to be alone with her
Thursday 23 June 2011
Unnecessary pressure already!!
Oh boy I cant believe Im having to contemplate choices of obstetricians even before my first scan...I did not realise those in hot demand book out on day of expected missed period....I mean the pregnancy news is still settling in and its obvious I cant tell the world yet but Im needing to organise appointments with obstetrics even before i see my FS. This is absolutely crazy but if you want the best this is what you have to do..I will make timing of my appointments with obs after seeing my FS though to ensure smooth transition
My dilemmas are
1. Travel time - I live 25 minutes from closest private hospital and second closest private hospital is 45 minutes away....problem during last month of pregnancy and labour further to go will it make a huge difference?
2. Private Hospital closest to me I associate to me with bad memories from prior miscarriage and first lap with first obstetrician and I dont know if I can emotionally go there...but hey this one is a new positive experience and new obstetrician everything will be ok? so new obstetrician and same private hospital it will be ok
3. Personalities of each obstetrician and capabilities and flexibility and costs with antenatal and birthing..one rotates with 3 other obstetricians so you see her for antenatal care but 1/4 obstetricians will deliver baby...one is directly opposite private hospital so he ducks in and out all the time and looks like he will be here not on holidays at due date and 3rd is further away but with new private hospital closer to my FS...
4. Decision on which obstetrician....when do you have to decide as I am seeing two obs same week in July then another one 2 weeks later
Well I dont have to make decision now..just make the appointments which I have chosen no more then 3 then we will have to choose one...whoever thought this would be so bloody difficult!!! its great you have choices but sometimes choices are worse when you have to make the decision the best one!!
My dilemmas are
1. Travel time - I live 25 minutes from closest private hospital and second closest private hospital is 45 minutes away....problem during last month of pregnancy and labour further to go will it make a huge difference?
2. Private Hospital closest to me I associate to me with bad memories from prior miscarriage and first lap with first obstetrician and I dont know if I can emotionally go there...but hey this one is a new positive experience and new obstetrician everything will be ok? so new obstetrician and same private hospital it will be ok
3. Personalities of each obstetrician and capabilities and flexibility and costs with antenatal and birthing..one rotates with 3 other obstetricians so you see her for antenatal care but 1/4 obstetricians will deliver baby...one is directly opposite private hospital so he ducks in and out all the time and looks like he will be here not on holidays at due date and 3rd is further away but with new private hospital closer to my FS...
4. Decision on which obstetrician....when do you have to decide as I am seeing two obs same week in July then another one 2 weeks later
Well I dont have to make decision now..just make the appointments which I have chosen no more then 3 then we will have to choose one...whoever thought this would be so bloody difficult!!! its great you have choices but sometimes choices are worse when you have to make the decision the best one!!
Tuesday 21 June 2011
Its ok no need to worry
Just a short one to say that I had a second BT at my own request because I am a worry wart today!!!! Day 17 after transfer and HCG levels > 4,000 and progesterone >200 so all is good!! I cant believe I have nothing to worry about for now...I cant believe I have to wait four weeks to see our baby as my FS is away and I want him to do it
The nurses at the clinic are going what are you doing here today? A huge congratulations I was welcomed with then I let out all my tears as these nurses are amazing and know what we have been through...They gave me a big hug!!!
I said I voluntarily wanted a BT and they laughed and said thats ok...Enjoy each day as it comes they said and thats what I am going to do
Enjoy each day as live for today not tomorrow as no one knows what tomorrow is and if we worry about tomorrow we miss enjoying today
The nurses at the clinic are going what are you doing here today? A huge congratulations I was welcomed with then I let out all my tears as these nurses are amazing and know what we have been through...They gave me a big hug!!!
I said I voluntarily wanted a BT and they laughed and said thats ok...Enjoy each day as it comes they said and thats what I am going to do
Enjoy each day as live for today not tomorrow as no one knows what tomorrow is and if we worry about tomorrow we miss enjoying today
Sunday 19 June 2011
Living on a high because I can
I want to thank all my supporters, friends for all their kind wishes and blessings especially on my announcement.
As all of you know infertility journey is not easy so to sit down and announce the news is one faced with difficulty, its surreal, like can this really be happening to me? Is it finally my time?
I cried hysterically when my husband told me the news that it POSITIVE.... it was a relief of the fear I was holding for the negative it was a cry for happiness that I finally got dealt the right card...that finally things were going our way.....I was meant to get the phone call but the clinic were delayed and we kept thinking 3 hours after the expected time of call that it was all doomed that is was negative and thats why they havent called..I said to dear hubby you need to call them I cannot..I could not face the news then to tell him so my wonderful hubby rang and got the news first then rang me..
We wanted our dream of a family back in January 2008.. well dear hubby wanted it from day we were married but I was not ready in August 2003 ...I was 7 years younger then dear hubby and after studying for so long I wanted to pursue my career first...and so glad I did as I am much wiser woman now and we actually had some money behind us to help pay for IVF too
So nearly 3.5 years of TTC
1 miscarriage June 2009
1 D & C June 2009
1 laparascopy June 2010 and laparascopy March 2011 with removal of right tube, Diagnosed with Stage IV endometriosis and low ovarian reserve
1 ICSI cycle and
1 bloody egg
Clomid in between and vitex and wild yam
and many negative pee on a sticks in between, emotional meld downs,
Its funny how that day Friday was the turning point of our lives, turning point of our marriage...when a week ago we were discussing if we can really make it as the journey of infertility and continual stress and worry was getting the better of us but two days later I said no matter what we will not let this journey beat us we will beat it...how could we??... neary 8 years of marriage and 11 years of friendship and love...my husband is my best friend I was not giving up!!
Now since that day our relationship has changed and gone back to how it used to be.its like all that stress and worry has been released..dear hubby and I cuddle all the time now...he wants to be close to me all the time and I let him...I didnt like to before in last few months as I felt like I was letting him down re to become a dad..
I feel that I want him to bond as much as with this baby as much as I will...
I know we still have some big hurdles to jump yet but is ok I will enjoy each day at a time because I am pregnant and hopefully and praying it will be for another 8 months
Please note Im sorry for giving anyone heart ache in this time of infertility when you find out your infertility friends have gotten their BFPs..I am still infertile i have still suffered the same grief and will never ever forget it and will still be here for all of you...
As all of you know infertility journey is not easy so to sit down and announce the news is one faced with difficulty, its surreal, like can this really be happening to me? Is it finally my time?
I cried hysterically when my husband told me the news that it POSITIVE.... it was a relief of the fear I was holding for the negative it was a cry for happiness that I finally got dealt the right card...that finally things were going our way.....I was meant to get the phone call but the clinic were delayed and we kept thinking 3 hours after the expected time of call that it was all doomed that is was negative and thats why they havent called..I said to dear hubby you need to call them I cannot..I could not face the news then to tell him so my wonderful hubby rang and got the news first then rang me..
We wanted our dream of a family back in January 2008.. well dear hubby wanted it from day we were married but I was not ready in August 2003 ...I was 7 years younger then dear hubby and after studying for so long I wanted to pursue my career first...and so glad I did as I am much wiser woman now and we actually had some money behind us to help pay for IVF too
So nearly 3.5 years of TTC
1 miscarriage June 2009
1 D & C June 2009
1 laparascopy June 2010 and laparascopy March 2011 with removal of right tube, Diagnosed with Stage IV endometriosis and low ovarian reserve
1 ICSI cycle and
1 bloody egg
Clomid in between and vitex and wild yam
and many negative pee on a sticks in between, emotional meld downs,
Its funny how that day Friday was the turning point of our lives, turning point of our marriage...when a week ago we were discussing if we can really make it as the journey of infertility and continual stress and worry was getting the better of us but two days later I said no matter what we will not let this journey beat us we will beat it...how could we??... neary 8 years of marriage and 11 years of friendship and love...my husband is my best friend I was not giving up!!
Now since that day our relationship has changed and gone back to how it used to be.its like all that stress and worry has been released..dear hubby and I cuddle all the time now...he wants to be close to me all the time and I let him...I didnt like to before in last few months as I felt like I was letting him down re to become a dad..
I feel that I want him to bond as much as with this baby as much as I will...
I know we still have some big hurdles to jump yet but is ok I will enjoy each day at a time because I am pregnant and hopefully and praying it will be for another 8 months
Please note Im sorry for giving anyone heart ache in this time of infertility when you find out your infertility friends have gotten their BFPs..I am still infertile i have still suffered the same grief and will never ever forget it and will still be here for all of you...
Friday 17 June 2011
I am perfectly positive that is a BFP!!!!
Oh my goodness how do I go about writing this message....Im still in so much shock!!
I know all my followers are anxious to know how I go....well after my mum and dear hubby and BC friends, you dear bloggers are next in line as you are the ones that kept me sane....
I dont know how to write this blog because of all of you know what it feels like to be infertile and all of you know what it is like each month to suffer disappointment when you get your big fat red cow or negative pee stick.
I know its easy to say now I had a hunch that I was...I mean I have been bloated constantly for last week I already look 3 months pregnant and I know its not constipation or my IBS as it was in my lower abdomen but I kept telling myself it could be the crinone ....I prayed and prayed and prayed....asking God Ive been to hell and back already last 3.5 years please do not put me through any more pain...please dont let me suffer another disappointment...
I only got one egg..one bloody egg at egg pick up I mean a lot of women focus on the number of eggs I was not expecting big numbers..Quality over quantity right? but to only get one....I prayed for that one little egg it has to make it...I was not going to let the fact I got one egg compared to women with 15 eggs as you only need one to work...and it fertilised..it was meant to be one...it was meant to teach me not to be greedy...
This TWW has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life...infertility is hard in itself but knowing your pregnant until proven otherwise has the weirdest feeling....
I am so greatful for the medical world, my fertility specialist and nurses what a job on it good days it would be bloody excellent but on a bad day it would feel like Shit.
So yes my levels for 4 weeks were at 700 HCG which are meant to be excellent numbers...they said I dont even need another Blood test only if I want one in between my scan in 3 weeks...Ooohhhh my fertility specialist is going away next week for 3 weeks so he wont be here to do scan...I will have to ring him monday to find out when he wants to do it and see me...so I can give him a big hug (lol that would be overstepping the line but I do want to hug him)..
So all that worry about what if it didnt work and Plan B does not have to be enacted right now....Im happy to go with Plan A and this IVF Cycle #1 and that everything goes smoothly
I think thats all I can get out now as all my words are mush!!!!
I know all my followers are anxious to know how I go....well after my mum and dear hubby and BC friends, you dear bloggers are next in line as you are the ones that kept me sane....
I dont know how to write this blog because of all of you know what it feels like to be infertile and all of you know what it is like each month to suffer disappointment when you get your big fat red cow or negative pee stick.
I know its easy to say now I had a hunch that I was...I mean I have been bloated constantly for last week I already look 3 months pregnant and I know its not constipation or my IBS as it was in my lower abdomen but I kept telling myself it could be the crinone ....I prayed and prayed and prayed....asking God Ive been to hell and back already last 3.5 years please do not put me through any more pain...please dont let me suffer another disappointment...
I only got one egg..one bloody egg at egg pick up I mean a lot of women focus on the number of eggs I was not expecting big numbers..Quality over quantity right? but to only get one....I prayed for that one little egg it has to make it...I was not going to let the fact I got one egg compared to women with 15 eggs as you only need one to work...and it fertilised..it was meant to be one...it was meant to teach me not to be greedy...
This TWW has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life...infertility is hard in itself but knowing your pregnant until proven otherwise has the weirdest feeling....
I am so greatful for the medical world, my fertility specialist and nurses what a job on it good days it would be bloody excellent but on a bad day it would feel like Shit.
So yes my levels for 4 weeks were at 700 HCG which are meant to be excellent numbers...they said I dont even need another Blood test only if I want one in between my scan in 3 weeks...Ooohhhh my fertility specialist is going away next week for 3 weeks so he wont be here to do scan...I will have to ring him monday to find out when he wants to do it and see me...so I can give him a big hug (lol that would be overstepping the line but I do want to hug him)..
So all that worry about what if it didnt work and Plan B does not have to be enacted right now....Im happy to go with Plan A and this IVF Cycle #1 and that everything goes smoothly
I think thats all I can get out now as all my words are mush!!!!
Monday 13 June 2011
Melancholy Monday
Oh Im sorry for the deep dark post from Friday....I was so scared...I was so hormonal and so stressed trying not to stress out...its so funny how we become so obsessed without even knowing ...Dear Hubby and I are on great terms now after that bout....I said nothing will get us down or beat us this infertility...we are strong enough and we will get through this whatever results on Friday...
Its amazing how we tend to forget about our husbands when we are so obsessed with ourselves since we are the incubator....Anyways it will be what it will be and as soon as I stopped stressing..all my symptoms came back...
Still suffering bloatedness, sore back, and occasional twinges but twice already this week 2 days apart I woke up with AF type pain severe cramping then it dissapeared and no blood...hmmm interesting I do hope its implantation and my beautiful emby is burrowing nicely...
I love life and what joy this infertility has brought me...my wonderful friends via cyberspace....wonderful relationship with my mum, sister and husband...and Im continually attracting good things in my life...
Im having a massage tomorrow as in dire need of one and I googled this lady in my local area as I could not get into my normal massage lady and its funny how the universe works..this lady I have not even met her and she seems like a beautiful person..her chosen words in her texts show warmth and love and passion so the perfect person to get a massage from then I find out she had to move my appointment due to her going through IVF..what the ??? Now I definately cant wait to meet this lady and share stories...to share stories face to face with another person going through IVF is just another relationship that will be formed due to my infertility journey and I dont have to feel inadequate getting a massage from someone who may not understand my situation...Oh bring me more!!!
Then I got my hair cut today and they were running late and I said thats ok I have a thing called 'patience' and sat down. I sat down next to an elderly lady with a beautiful soft voice so caring and kind...then I find out she was a nun with her friend who was also a nun...no wonder I was attracted to them ...nuns have positive outlook in life and not that I am a strict religious person but I love being surrounded by people who have faith no matter what your problems are and thats what IF is about....to have faith that life will be ok...we will get what we want...this journey only makes us stronger...
I have faith if its not this time...it will be next time...but am praying that this will be our time....we deserve it after all...but I know if its not everything will be ok...of course I would be sad but thats part of journey but I will know how to pick myself up and focus on the good in my life because isnt that whats its all about...learning and continually evolving
Its amazing how we tend to forget about our husbands when we are so obsessed with ourselves since we are the incubator....Anyways it will be what it will be and as soon as I stopped stressing..all my symptoms came back...
Still suffering bloatedness, sore back, and occasional twinges but twice already this week 2 days apart I woke up with AF type pain severe cramping then it dissapeared and no blood...hmmm interesting I do hope its implantation and my beautiful emby is burrowing nicely...
I love life and what joy this infertility has brought me...my wonderful friends via cyberspace....wonderful relationship with my mum, sister and husband...and Im continually attracting good things in my life...
Im having a massage tomorrow as in dire need of one and I googled this lady in my local area as I could not get into my normal massage lady and its funny how the universe works..this lady I have not even met her and she seems like a beautiful person..her chosen words in her texts show warmth and love and passion so the perfect person to get a massage from then I find out she had to move my appointment due to her going through IVF..what the ??? Now I definately cant wait to meet this lady and share stories...to share stories face to face with another person going through IVF is just another relationship that will be formed due to my infertility journey and I dont have to feel inadequate getting a massage from someone who may not understand my situation...Oh bring me more!!!
Then I got my hair cut today and they were running late and I said thats ok I have a thing called 'patience' and sat down. I sat down next to an elderly lady with a beautiful soft voice so caring and kind...then I find out she was a nun with her friend who was also a nun...no wonder I was attracted to them ...nuns have positive outlook in life and not that I am a strict religious person but I love being surrounded by people who have faith no matter what your problems are and thats what IF is about....to have faith that life will be ok...we will get what we want...this journey only makes us stronger...
I have faith if its not this time...it will be next time...but am praying that this will be our time....we deserve it after all...but I know if its not everything will be ok...of course I would be sad but thats part of journey but I will know how to pick myself up and focus on the good in my life because isnt that whats its all about...learning and continually evolving
Saturday 11 June 2011
Freaking Friggin Friday
What just happened yesterday? I do not understand.....what overcame me? overwhelmaing feelingst of everything? What is wrong with my dear hubby? Why is he so difficult to talk to about his feelings?
Major melt down yesterday...like major fight disagreement...all started when my poor dog had an injured leg and was not even walking on it...my hubby was meant to go out with the boys that night and me drive him but instead when he came home for me to take him...I wanted to take my poor dog to the vet and he wanted to wait until Saturday....my usual vet was not opened on saturday and my dog is 30kg so no way I was lifting her into the car to take on my own....well he could not understand why I got so emotional over the dog..I mean even I could not understand...all these extra hormones..then it got out of control...dear hubby sat in his car just sulking and firey red eyes that he could not go out and he was letting them down as we were meant to pick people up..I said what is wrong with telling them we have a family emergency and you can go later...NO ..he did not want to go after all that..I started crying hysterically trying to calm down as not good for baby...and I resorted to ringing my mum trying to get someone to reason with my head as my dear hubby wasnt...mum reasoned with me and I was ok to take dog on Saturday but nope Dear hubby was chucking a tantrum and he stayed home and we took dog to vet..and then he was extra angry as I rang my mum
I told Dear hubby today you need to understand i have extra hormones running at moment you need to be more understanding and compassionate for both of us and our future family...my god he can be so selfish ...I will sure be ready for tantrums when my kids come along as he does it sometimes too often..and he is 39....acting 5
Well we sort of made up today after he still held some anger...I just hope all is ok down with my emby and even those moments of severe stress this emby is a fighter and all will be ok..we went out for a couple of hours and he sulked the whole time...looking to retreat to a movie this afternoon and a comedy to lighten things up
Tried to find somewhere to get a massage but with long weekend no such luck until Monday but I will be busting down their door on monday to realign my energy and put positive thoughts back into my body!!!!
Universe give us strength that we will make it to Friday....and all will be ok...
Major melt down yesterday...like major fight disagreement...all started when my poor dog had an injured leg and was not even walking on it...my hubby was meant to go out with the boys that night and me drive him but instead when he came home for me to take him...I wanted to take my poor dog to the vet and he wanted to wait until Saturday....my usual vet was not opened on saturday and my dog is 30kg so no way I was lifting her into the car to take on my own....well he could not understand why I got so emotional over the dog..I mean even I could not understand...all these extra hormones..then it got out of control...dear hubby sat in his car just sulking and firey red eyes that he could not go out and he was letting them down as we were meant to pick people up..I said what is wrong with telling them we have a family emergency and you can go later...NO ..he did not want to go after all that..I started crying hysterically trying to calm down as not good for baby...and I resorted to ringing my mum trying to get someone to reason with my head as my dear hubby wasnt...mum reasoned with me and I was ok to take dog on Saturday but nope Dear hubby was chucking a tantrum and he stayed home and we took dog to vet..and then he was extra angry as I rang my mum
I told Dear hubby today you need to understand i have extra hormones running at moment you need to be more understanding and compassionate for both of us and our future family...my god he can be so selfish ...I will sure be ready for tantrums when my kids come along as he does it sometimes too often..and he is 39....acting 5
Well we sort of made up today after he still held some anger...I just hope all is ok down with my emby and even those moments of severe stress this emby is a fighter and all will be ok..we went out for a couple of hours and he sulked the whole time...looking to retreat to a movie this afternoon and a comedy to lighten things up
Tried to find somewhere to get a massage but with long weekend no such luck until Monday but I will be busting down their door on monday to realign my energy and put positive thoughts back into my body!!!!
Universe give us strength that we will make it to Friday....and all will be ok...
Thursday 9 June 2011
Tantalising Two Week Wait
Who would have thought that a week has not even gone past yet and you think this waiting time is driving me nuts?
Well gee you think you would be patient waiting the two weeks after trying for 3 and half years TTC that two weeks is nothing as in relation to time but its not isnt it?
I mean I had this Day 2 perfectly looking emby transferred in my uterus brilliantly shining...I have been stuffing my vag with crinone cream morning and night to keep the new home for my emby perfect to nest in..you would think I am not worrying..Im not worrying not at all. Curious to know whats going on inside...I mean for once I know that I am pregnant until proven otherwise..all that guess work each month not knowing when BDing naturally Im so over trying naturally so at least I know its out of my control and all I need to do is relax and that medical science helped my eggs fertilise this time...and about relaxing...I only work part time from home..I walk every day as per doctors orders..I meditate every day...but as every other lady who has tried IVF the TWW is one of the hardest...It is ...my poor brain is confused... I need to act like Im pregnant but Im not officially until I see two lines but I want to be...and a fertilised egg is inside me so I am arent I..wow no wonder the poor brain goes nuts....so I have decided I am pregnant of course I am and of course I want to get a positive reading next Friday 17th June and I dont want to think of what to do next until that day arrives/...Right? Dont worry about the future or the past just focus on the now...So I will focus on the now and that is Im pregnant (PUPO) and will deal with anything else when I am there in the moment..
So why do I find myself up at 500am in the morning? Maybe its not only the TWW but the clash of emotional games added to me yesterday of running into people who were connected to my past the past I left behind so I can move on and stay destressed...I used to own a business in small community and also was part of non profit organisations..Man I used to do so much run a full time business, volunteer my time left right and centre..no wonder my body could never incubate a baby I never made time for me...so what did I do ...I got rid of all my stresses in my life to make time for me...then I have to be faced with people from the past confused to why I sold my business? I was trapped we were in same restauarant...The questions you can tell running through their heads why I left the non profit group and all I can say is time for me....you can tell they want to know more..I tell them its my irritable bowel syndrome and more time with family?? More time with family.? More time to spend making my family thats what they fucken need to know..Do they really want to know I have spent my legs wide open nearly every second day last 3 weeks and last 5 months my vagina regularly looked at so if I told them the truth Im sure they would never ask again but why should I..I mean they care but they dont get it and they dont need to but why do they have to challenge me and why do they have to try to rope me back into that life for when I dont want to and Im to gutless to tell them I cant..as my excuses I come up with arent enough? So they know I dont want to go to weekly meetings but when I get the email to join the online non profit group I told them I will look at it but did not agree to it just to keep them quiet...Im too coward to tell them to their face Im not interested but in a email its so much better
Ahhhh now I feel better so maybe I can go back to bed now its 600am and hopefully have not tired myself out....
Well gee you think you would be patient waiting the two weeks after trying for 3 and half years TTC that two weeks is nothing as in relation to time but its not isnt it?
I mean I had this Day 2 perfectly looking emby transferred in my uterus brilliantly shining...I have been stuffing my vag with crinone cream morning and night to keep the new home for my emby perfect to nest in..you would think I am not worrying..Im not worrying not at all. Curious to know whats going on inside...I mean for once I know that I am pregnant until proven otherwise..all that guess work each month not knowing when BDing naturally Im so over trying naturally so at least I know its out of my control and all I need to do is relax and that medical science helped my eggs fertilise this time...and about relaxing...I only work part time from home..I walk every day as per doctors orders..I meditate every day...but as every other lady who has tried IVF the TWW is one of the hardest...It is ...my poor brain is confused... I need to act like Im pregnant but Im not officially until I see two lines but I want to be...and a fertilised egg is inside me so I am arent I..wow no wonder the poor brain goes nuts....so I have decided I am pregnant of course I am and of course I want to get a positive reading next Friday 17th June and I dont want to think of what to do next until that day arrives/...Right? Dont worry about the future or the past just focus on the now...So I will focus on the now and that is Im pregnant (PUPO) and will deal with anything else when I am there in the moment..
So why do I find myself up at 500am in the morning? Maybe its not only the TWW but the clash of emotional games added to me yesterday of running into people who were connected to my past the past I left behind so I can move on and stay destressed...I used to own a business in small community and also was part of non profit organisations..Man I used to do so much run a full time business, volunteer my time left right and centre..no wonder my body could never incubate a baby I never made time for me...so what did I do ...I got rid of all my stresses in my life to make time for me...then I have to be faced with people from the past confused to why I sold my business? I was trapped we were in same restauarant...The questions you can tell running through their heads why I left the non profit group and all I can say is time for me....you can tell they want to know more..I tell them its my irritable bowel syndrome and more time with family?? More time with family.? More time to spend making my family thats what they fucken need to know..Do they really want to know I have spent my legs wide open nearly every second day last 3 weeks and last 5 months my vagina regularly looked at so if I told them the truth Im sure they would never ask again but why should I..I mean they care but they dont get it and they dont need to but why do they have to challenge me and why do they have to try to rope me back into that life for when I dont want to and Im to gutless to tell them I cant..as my excuses I come up with arent enough? So they know I dont want to go to weekly meetings but when I get the email to join the online non profit group I told them I will look at it but did not agree to it just to keep them quiet...Im too coward to tell them to their face Im not interested but in a email its so much better
Ahhhh now I feel better so maybe I can go back to bed now its 600am and hopefully have not tired myself out....
Monday 6 June 2011
Meditating Monday
Well I have now officially begun my Monday meditation classes for 1 hour how good is that? As soon as our teacher starts talking Im already off. and relaxed..her voice is beautiful, soft and caring...I admire this woman and love her already for making me feel so good!!
Now I do use Circle & Bloom CD but nothing beats this meditating class...
I am disappointed though next Monday is public holiday so no class
So at current I am 4dp2dt so a bit to go yet
Ive decided to ditch the Kylie concert and give ticket to my mum as Im terrible for late nights and my body really feels it so thought best to give it a miss :(
Thanking everyone for all their well wishes and goodluck on my TWW week..I think 3 is a lucky number too and hoping this will be!! I am trying to stay focused and positive
Now I do use Circle & Bloom CD but nothing beats this meditating class...
I am disappointed though next Monday is public holiday so no class
So at current I am 4dp2dt so a bit to go yet
Ive decided to ditch the Kylie concert and give ticket to my mum as Im terrible for late nights and my body really feels it so thought best to give it a miss :(
Thanking everyone for all their well wishes and goodluck on my TWW week..I think 3 is a lucky number too and hoping this will be!! I am trying to stay focused and positive
Saturday 4 June 2011
Perfectly PUPO!!!
Yahh ladies I am now officially Pregnant until Proven Otherwise....now I need to stay focused on the little fertilised emby growing inside me..The emby was a perfectlly 4 cell yesterday for Day 2 and would you believe all 3 ladies that had egg collection on same day as me only had 1 egg to transfer that fertilised so here it is to the 3's...
Now this will be corny but got to have some superstition of good luck happens in 3's
I started my injectios on Friday 13th for FSH...and I saw this as a positive
I had my emby transfer on 3rd June
It was 3 weeks excactly the transfer from Starting IVF FSH injections to emby transfer
and....my mum even said we have had two announced pregnancies lately and I am going to be the third awww sweet mum
So all in all if we believe in the number 3 as good luck Im hoping that this is all meant to be
Also can someone explain what the 5Dp3dt means ie DT - day of transfer but what is DP?
Now this will be corny but got to have some superstition of good luck happens in 3's
I started my injectios on Friday 13th for FSH...and I saw this as a positive
I had my emby transfer on 3rd June
It was 3 weeks excactly the transfer from Starting IVF FSH injections to emby transfer
and....my mum even said we have had two announced pregnancies lately and I am going to be the third awww sweet mum
So all in all if we believe in the number 3 as good luck Im hoping that this is all meant to be
Also can someone explain what the 5Dp3dt means ie DT - day of transfer but what is DP?
Thursday 2 June 2011
Emby transfer scheduled for Fabulous Friday
Whata 24 hour period of anticipation to wait .....thanks to everyone and positive thoughts...my one egg fertilised woo hoo so off tomorrow for Day 2 transfer as the body is best incubator and then to get from my FS McDreamy the winning formula for the two week waiting (TWW)...
The only dilemma I have which is how do I tell my sister in law we cant go to the concert tomorrow night for tickets bought over 3 months ago who would have thought?
I also have Kylie concert next week but thinking that is Wednesday and I can sit down at that concert
The only dilemma I have which is how do I tell my sister in law we cant go to the concert tomorrow night for tickets bought over 3 months ago who would have thought?
I also have Kylie concert next week but thinking that is Wednesday and I can sit down at that concert
Wednesday 1 June 2011
One perfect emby....please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who was to know that when I titled my blog....I really need those comforting and positive words.....yes EPU was today and out of all my lovely follicles, we got one egg thats right a nice egg FS said so hoping and praying it fertilises
Wow this journey of IF is a rough and bumpy road and who knows when it will be smooth riding...
So as my blog says I need one perfect emby as thats all I have this cycle and as I have read the first IVF baby was only ever on one egg..and a women only falls natural with one egg each cycle ...and my chances are a little higher then natural cycle as we are having ICSI...This next 24 hours I need to go occupy the mind
Blessings to me everyone!
EDITED
God I love my mum from the moon and back and the whole universe she is my rock through this whole journey ...puts me back in perspective...its ok Emma ...you have one not none....
Wow this journey of IF is a rough and bumpy road and who knows when it will be smooth riding...
So as my blog says I need one perfect emby as thats all I have this cycle and as I have read the first IVF baby was only ever on one egg..and a women only falls natural with one egg each cycle ...and my chances are a little higher then natural cycle as we are having ICSI...This next 24 hours I need to go occupy the mind
Blessings to me everyone!
EDITED
God I love my mum from the moon and back and the whole universe she is my rock through this whole journey ...puts me back in perspective...its ok Emma ...you have one not none....
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