Dont you love it when life throws you challenges and some days we cannot handle them better then others..
Mine was yesterday..
I was happy sitting at home relaxed last night crocheting away my blanket for my sister in law baby to come...thinking Im tired and should go to bed.
Then DH (husband) came home from soccer training...and I dont know what hit me a freight train?
The rollercoaster of emotions and maybe coming down from my monthly temporary menopausal drugs...my man came home and brought up some conversation and I made WWIII out of it...yes I overreacted but poured all my emotions out
A release of testosterone..and I would not walk away but then DH decided to not walk away either..so after a very heated argument and throwing a loaf of bread at him...and him smashing a plate...we all calmed down then tried to analyse what just happened...
I think not resolving the issue of playing cricket and him just not understanding how I am feeling...I asked him do you know what I am going through with my emotions (dont forget Im not being selfish I understand DH suffers too but man these hormones rollercoaster is crazy) He said no and I then explained what my body is going through
We then were exhausted went to bed and I woke up at 430am and could not sleep..I got up wrote a list of things we needed to talk about in the morning so then I could sleep
After phone calls and messages this morning we are back on happy street...
I still was a little down until I went to my FS then I got my happiness back...yes surrounded by pregnant women from IVF and seeing an actual IVF baby brought me back to reality to what this all is really about...
I went in got my monthly shot from FS,..had a good laugh and I was on my way for another 4 weeks until my next shot
Yes arguments are real and I know its how you resolve them that make you stronger and I feel we can get through this together..we have done it before...and it just makes our relationship stronger and desire our dream of baby even more...
Thats right we will get it as we will pass all these tests the universe is throwing at us..yes we will!
Wednesday 30 March 2011
Monday 28 March 2011
Will cricket stop our baby?
I have a very passionate husband who loves his sport and i do love him for that. However cricket is not a 2 hour sport its a very loong game so it does take up a lot of our personal time together.
For the nearly 8 years we have been married he has played every season and for the last 3 seasons I go, we will have our bundle of joy so no more cricket, however, when our bundle of joy has not come, I think all well let him do something he enjoys.
Now with our TTC becoming more intense and onset of IVF in May, of course I am hoping and wanting a successful IVF round #1 and I assume no baby due during cricket season but possibly the end. However, I just want some me time with hubby and to be able to on weekends have freedom to do what we want so we talked and I asked him can he hang up his boots for a season?
Anyways for the one game I attended to this season being the grand final, lots of his peers began to ask me the question, why cant he play next year please let him play,. I understand their passion and love for the sport and my husbands passion, I really love him for that and his dedication to it. I love watching the male bonding experience however am I unfair to ask that I want some more time with my own DH. My husband has a wonderful and talented team with many young hopefuls 18-20 year olds and he is their mentor and I love that he can give them that but I want a bit of my husband back to myself, is that too much to ask? If it was another sport that did not play so long, we could get a balance but when every saturday night for 6 months is left unsociable or not much to do as he is too tired to do anything just for one season I want it back.
You never know whats around the corner I know but I start to feel guilty that I am making him give up something he loves, now I am not a wife who controls him and tells him what to do, not at all, but every decision we make it involves each other but why did he not tell me he told the whole cricket team I told him he has to hang up his boots..I never said that ....and yesterday I was bombarded with questions but I stood my ground to the others telling them its a decision we will make together...and with all this hormonal treatment one of the fathers asked me why cant he play in a nice manner as the boys my husband mentors played together for 10 years and my husband does an excellent job and I just covered my face and had a cry..I feel guilty I may tear apart the team..I feel guilty that my husband lost the grand final this year and I should let him play one more year so he can take out the title just one more time...but just one more time when will it end? The man was apologetic and I said its ok you did not make me cry we just have a lot going on personally to deal with...so I hope I made my point without being too direct
Is the universe testing me again for us to make a decision instead of me waiting for what we desire so that forces us to make the decision...I think I will give it some more time to discuss with husband and at the presentation maybe we have an answer by then and if not,, may be I do not go to avoid more questions as at that time I will be undergoing FSH injections and possibly a transfer so I do not need questions at that time
For the nearly 8 years we have been married he has played every season and for the last 3 seasons I go, we will have our bundle of joy so no more cricket, however, when our bundle of joy has not come, I think all well let him do something he enjoys.
Now with our TTC becoming more intense and onset of IVF in May, of course I am hoping and wanting a successful IVF round #1 and I assume no baby due during cricket season but possibly the end. However, I just want some me time with hubby and to be able to on weekends have freedom to do what we want so we talked and I asked him can he hang up his boots for a season?
Anyways for the one game I attended to this season being the grand final, lots of his peers began to ask me the question, why cant he play next year please let him play,. I understand their passion and love for the sport and my husbands passion, I really love him for that and his dedication to it. I love watching the male bonding experience however am I unfair to ask that I want some more time with my own DH. My husband has a wonderful and talented team with many young hopefuls 18-20 year olds and he is their mentor and I love that he can give them that but I want a bit of my husband back to myself, is that too much to ask? If it was another sport that did not play so long, we could get a balance but when every saturday night for 6 months is left unsociable or not much to do as he is too tired to do anything just for one season I want it back.
You never know whats around the corner I know but I start to feel guilty that I am making him give up something he loves, now I am not a wife who controls him and tells him what to do, not at all, but every decision we make it involves each other but why did he not tell me he told the whole cricket team I told him he has to hang up his boots..I never said that ....and yesterday I was bombarded with questions but I stood my ground to the others telling them its a decision we will make together...and with all this hormonal treatment one of the fathers asked me why cant he play in a nice manner as the boys my husband mentors played together for 10 years and my husband does an excellent job and I just covered my face and had a cry..I feel guilty I may tear apart the team..I feel guilty that my husband lost the grand final this year and I should let him play one more year so he can take out the title just one more time...but just one more time when will it end? The man was apologetic and I said its ok you did not make me cry we just have a lot going on personally to deal with...so I hope I made my point without being too direct
Is the universe testing me again for us to make a decision instead of me waiting for what we desire so that forces us to make the decision...I think I will give it some more time to discuss with husband and at the presentation maybe we have an answer by then and if not,, may be I do not go to avoid more questions as at that time I will be undergoing FSH injections and possibly a transfer so I do not need questions at that time
Friday 25 March 2011
The process of healing - one day at a time
Well another week has gone by and here I sit to reveal my week in learning. Every day is a lesson, we are always learning and dealing with our emotions. I tend to connect to myself spiritually and follow my intuition ie my gut feeling. Its been nearly 4 weeks now since my laparascopy and I started walking every day this week to do something for me. This is to get me out of house and enjoy some low intensive exercise since my FS said to avoid any high intense exercise (no more zumba for now :( ). Since working from home at moment is the best thing I could have done, its been 4 weeks officially and working part time has given me more freedom to enjoy things I love to do the most.
Anyways as always us infertile women always have friends announcing pregnancies, well now I have friends announcing second pregnancies and I am still waiting for mine. I had one of my beautiful friends last week announce it to me and it was at a loud party. I am excited for her but I had this rush of sadness as this night I went out with the girls hoping to forget about TTC as we were at a no kids venue and then the baby thing unfortunately reminded me again. I did not know what to say because I felt like gushing out to her the last 3 weeks of my infertile journey ie seeing IVF specialist and having a laprascopy. How can this be but then I reminded myself it is not my time yet and this friend deserves it I would not want to take it away from her. At that point I was in a bit of pain still from my operation and wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I wanted to get out of there as quick as I could but my dear sisters who were with me were happily dancing. I said two more songs and we need to go as it was late and I need to be home resting.
So I am still in protective mode and try to avoid any confrontations on my own...I used to run a business where I live locally so many of the locals know me so I also try to hide from them as the rumours when I passed my shopfront to someone else was am I pregnant? I felt like telling them all well yes some of us would love to be but it aint happening naturally for me and I need help, get rid of my stresses but in dealing with the new owner, I told him to tell the peopleto GET STUFFED and mind their own business..I dont need rumours and would rather avoid people then confrontation..havent people got their own lives to worry about, dont worry about mine, I am dealing with it!!!!
I also had another friend as we always get complaing of her second pregnancy as she did on the first. I feel like telling her my difficulties in TTC so she will stop complaining but I dont feel like spending my energy and emotions talking to her about it as once I let it out, I dont know where to stop ie who to exactly tell as only a handful of people know at current. I like being in control of who knows as it is a private issue and I am not ready to tell the world. I am not ready to deal with peoples reactions especially if they are negative or comments as they dont understand like "well I fall pregnant just looking at it" "or I have been trying for like 6 months, WOW if only it took 6 months", like hello its not my fault I have an endo, one tubed removed and poor ovarian reserve, for some reason the universe chose this journey for me and I am dealing with it the best way I can but comments like that we do not need.
So as my sister said wrap yourself in cotton wool...I sure have and will keep it there for as long as I need
Anyways as always us infertile women always have friends announcing pregnancies, well now I have friends announcing second pregnancies and I am still waiting for mine. I had one of my beautiful friends last week announce it to me and it was at a loud party. I am excited for her but I had this rush of sadness as this night I went out with the girls hoping to forget about TTC as we were at a no kids venue and then the baby thing unfortunately reminded me again. I did not know what to say because I felt like gushing out to her the last 3 weeks of my infertile journey ie seeing IVF specialist and having a laprascopy. How can this be but then I reminded myself it is not my time yet and this friend deserves it I would not want to take it away from her. At that point I was in a bit of pain still from my operation and wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I wanted to get out of there as quick as I could but my dear sisters who were with me were happily dancing. I said two more songs and we need to go as it was late and I need to be home resting.
So I am still in protective mode and try to avoid any confrontations on my own...I used to run a business where I live locally so many of the locals know me so I also try to hide from them as the rumours when I passed my shopfront to someone else was am I pregnant? I felt like telling them all well yes some of us would love to be but it aint happening naturally for me and I need help, get rid of my stresses but in dealing with the new owner, I told him to tell the peopleto GET STUFFED and mind their own business..I dont need rumours and would rather avoid people then confrontation..havent people got their own lives to worry about, dont worry about mine, I am dealing with it!!!!
I also had another friend as we always get complaing of her second pregnancy as she did on the first. I feel like telling her my difficulties in TTC so she will stop complaining but I dont feel like spending my energy and emotions talking to her about it as once I let it out, I dont know where to stop ie who to exactly tell as only a handful of people know at current. I like being in control of who knows as it is a private issue and I am not ready to tell the world. I am not ready to deal with peoples reactions especially if they are negative or comments as they dont understand like "well I fall pregnant just looking at it" "or I have been trying for like 6 months, WOW if only it took 6 months", like hello its not my fault I have an endo, one tubed removed and poor ovarian reserve, for some reason the universe chose this journey for me and I am dealing with it the best way I can but comments like that we do not need.
So as my sister said wrap yourself in cotton wool...I sure have and will keep it there for as long as I need
Friday 18 March 2011
The journey to IVF one week at a time
The desire to become parents really takes it toll not only on the couple being my husband and I but people around us. The week began all excited to see my fertility specialist since now he is the only one that I believe can help us so he is our saviour. I am excited as it just awesome to see how amazing medical science has come and that they can help us on our journey to become parents.
This meeting was a follow up from my operation two weeks ago which was a complicated laprascopy, cystectomy, hysteroscopy, right tuble salping ectomy ie removal of right tube. Very complicated but my right ovary was saved and left all ok including tube.
Now we visit to be refreshed on our next steps ie two more injections of Zolodex then onto FSH injections for IVF.
As anyone is on IVF journey, something always blows you out of the water and yes being 32 and told I have little eggs left was a major setback but then I remind myself all it takes is one egg and just because they can collect 12 - 15 from others does not mean that all of them are good.
Anways after getting over that shock, we then realise our holiday for May needs to be reschedule to allow for IVF to take place and mind you we cannot put it off as Zolodex is temporary menopause and it can be dangerous to stay on it too long so it has to be then and FS said I cannot have normal menstruation in case cysts or endo comes back
We were travelling with friends on this holiday but now had to tell them the news, it was an emotional part for me partly due to hormones I am on and I have to tell another person our private details.
Friends on one part were being insensitive at first but alas after breaking down and few phone calls, they come to head to understand a little bit more of our journey.
It took a big blow to my husband and I and to amend our relationship and to let our friends know it is difficult and please understand
So in summary our holiday is now rescheduled but we will be going just us two, perfect just before IVF to start and the other couple will continue with their original travel dates.
Im on the up now but still trying to heal my wounds internally from the laprascopy.
My mother and sister have been so supportive and my mother in law during this time. Very understanding and my sister used the words " I want to wrap you up in cotton wool" to protect me from the outside world of continual questions of "when are you going to have kids?" I do not really feel like telling everyone my whole life story of yes we are trying but it aint that easy for some
Over and out for now
This meeting was a follow up from my operation two weeks ago which was a complicated laprascopy, cystectomy, hysteroscopy, right tuble salping ectomy ie removal of right tube. Very complicated but my right ovary was saved and left all ok including tube.
Now we visit to be refreshed on our next steps ie two more injections of Zolodex then onto FSH injections for IVF.
As anyone is on IVF journey, something always blows you out of the water and yes being 32 and told I have little eggs left was a major setback but then I remind myself all it takes is one egg and just because they can collect 12 - 15 from others does not mean that all of them are good.
Anways after getting over that shock, we then realise our holiday for May needs to be reschedule to allow for IVF to take place and mind you we cannot put it off as Zolodex is temporary menopause and it can be dangerous to stay on it too long so it has to be then and FS said I cannot have normal menstruation in case cysts or endo comes back
We were travelling with friends on this holiday but now had to tell them the news, it was an emotional part for me partly due to hormones I am on and I have to tell another person our private details.
Friends on one part were being insensitive at first but alas after breaking down and few phone calls, they come to head to understand a little bit more of our journey.
It took a big blow to my husband and I and to amend our relationship and to let our friends know it is difficult and please understand
So in summary our holiday is now rescheduled but we will be going just us two, perfect just before IVF to start and the other couple will continue with their original travel dates.
Im on the up now but still trying to heal my wounds internally from the laprascopy.
My mother and sister have been so supportive and my mother in law during this time. Very understanding and my sister used the words " I want to wrap you up in cotton wool" to protect me from the outside world of continual questions of "when are you going to have kids?" I do not really feel like telling everyone my whole life story of yes we are trying but it aint that easy for some
Over and out for now
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