The process of healing - one day at a time

Well another week has gone by and here I sit to reveal my week in learning. Every day is a lesson, we are always learning and dealing with our emotions. I tend to connect to myself spiritually and follow my intuition ie my gut feeling. Its been nearly 4 weeks now since my laparascopy and I started walking every day this week to do something for me. This is to get me out of house and enjoy some low intensive exercise since my FS said to avoid any high intense exercise (no more zumba for now :(  ). Since working from home at moment is the best thing I could have done, its been 4 weeks officially and working part time has given me more freedom to enjoy things I love to do the most.

Anyways as always us infertile women always have friends announcing pregnancies, well now I have friends announcing second pregnancies and I am still waiting for mine. I had one of my beautiful friends last week announce it to me and it was at a loud party. I am excited for her but I had this rush of sadness as this night I went out with the girls hoping to forget about TTC as we were at a no kids venue and then the baby thing unfortunately reminded me again. I did not know what to say because I felt like gushing out to her the last 3 weeks of my infertile journey ie seeing IVF specialist and having a laprascopy. How can this be but then I reminded myself it is not my time yet and this friend deserves it I would not want to take it away from her. At that point I was in a bit of pain still from my operation and wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I wanted to get out of there as quick as I could but my dear sisters who were with me were happily dancing. I said two more songs and we need to go as it was late and I need to be home resting.

So I am still in protective mode and try to avoid any confrontations on my own...I used to run a business where I live locally so many of the locals know me so I also try to hide from them as the rumours when I passed my shopfront to someone else was am I pregnant?  I felt like telling them all well yes some of us would love to be but it aint happening naturally for me and I need help, get rid of my stresses but in dealing with the new owner, I told him to tell the peopleto  GET STUFFED and mind their own business..I dont need rumours and would rather avoid people then confrontation..havent people got their own lives to worry about, dont worry about mine, I am dealing with it!!!!

I also had another friend as we always get complaing of her second pregnancy as she did on the first. I feel like telling her my difficulties in TTC so she will stop complaining but I dont feel like spending my energy and emotions talking to her about it as once I let it out, I dont know where to stop ie who to exactly tell as only a handful of people know at current. I like being in control of who knows as it is a private issue and I am not ready to tell the world. I am not ready to deal with peoples reactions especially if they are negative or comments as they dont understand like "well I fall pregnant just looking at it" "or I have been trying for like 6 months, WOW if only it took 6 months", like hello its not my fault I have an endo, one tubed removed and poor ovarian reserve, for some reason the universe chose this journey for me and I am dealing with it the best way I can but comments like that we do not need.

So as my sister said wrap yourself in cotton wool...I sure have and will keep it there for as long as I need