Please let there be light at end of tunnel

After a wonderful long easter weekend away with family and not much time to focus on my journey of infertility, it felt great to not think about and not to worry about it..apart from my hot flushes interrupting me every so often from my temporary menopausal drugs and a stranger telling me 'I am still young' not to have children....

Anyways I had my final appointment with FS for my temporary menopausal drugs today and to discuss the commencement of my first cycle of IVF...I know its the path we have to go on but Im not sure why I have this feeling of despair

Im ok and understand that yes I have a low ovarian reserve but it only takes one egg to fertilize and my body is a great incubator no problems there so far..Im ok that I need FSH for ovarian stimulation and my HSG to realise my egg...but I really want it work first go...Its ok if we need to do it a second time but what happens to my cycle in between? I really cant have a natural cycle to allow endometriosis to come back or cysts...thats why we just suppressed them for 3 months..but why am I worrying?

My FS is going away for two - three weeks in June so this will be after my egg collection so that is ok but why do I feel this way? Is it not knowing that if I need my FS over this time afterwards I cannot see him/get in contact with him..Im sure they have locums to help in between ..but its the uncertainty of not knowing....

Anyways how many times have I been told to not worry about tomorrow or yesterday but live for today...it will be what it will be...I am in good hands and let what will happen happen...so yes there is light at the end of the tunnel which ever way the tunnel decides to go....that is I will have a successful IVF cycle or not, fertilized egg or not. spare embys or not or if not I will endure a second round of IVF..whatever it be will be...but all I know is I need to stay positive and to not worry

I will now focus on the great holiday to Fiji with my dear hubby for a week hopefully our last solo trip overseas as a couple

Let there be love light and fertilized eggs

I have infertility but it cant hurt me!!!

Yes another week has gone past and staying focused on the fact no matter what this journey brings me being infertile...it cant hurt me long term...
IF will not keep me down and depressed...I can pick myself up and go enjoy things I should be and can do by not having children...like bike ride every morning to burn those calories and smell the fresh air..really smell it and breathe it in cause I can
Sit down and continuing crocheting my lovely blankets for gifts to family/friends expecting babies...yes after crocheting blankets for myself..I feel like making some for gifts for babies and that one day I can make one for mine!!!
Going on holidays which I have two at end of this month..yes sounds greedy but ones our annual family holiday 13 of us including nephews nieces all go away for a few days together then its hubby and I last holiday for a while to Fiji before IVF...and now since we dont have $$ as all needs to be put into IVF

But Getting the sms from my good friend in Melbourne who yes just had No. 2 perfectly 2 years apart from No. 1 just perfect just how they planned it....like it could not get better...now I never wish her not to be pregnant or have two children but why is it made so easy for some...I sent her my blessings but reading on facebook the hard times of juggling two children a toddler and new born ...sorry I acknowledge it would be hard but please dont whinge...please focus on the good as I told her...you do not have 3 or 4 under 5 could be worse...and your baby wont be a baby forever so enjoy the moment. and not that she knows but you could be like me and have to sit back and watch all your friends not only have their first babies before you even though I was first one married but now they are having siblings for their kids....I would love to be able to suffer the lack of sleep to endure knowing I can have two babies if thats all I have to sacrifice bring it on...one day you can catch up on your sleep one day

I stumbled across an article about being thirty something and your clock ticking and I thought I would share the link..I really feel close to this subject since its very similar journey I have endured...being an independent women becoming educated studying for 7. 5 years, developing stable financial backing to raise family so when I turn thirty bam I can start pumping them out...but ooops...sorry universe has made me unable to conceive naturally...what are my options?

http://www.adelaidenow.com.au/ipad/the-30-something-baby-dilemma/story-fn6br97j-1226040008038

Im so at peace with idea of going through IVF # 1 as I know this is a plan we have a plan and am feeling positive it will work...

Fertile women should understand Infertility

Why is it that the only people that really understand IF is those going through it themselves? Of course you do not wish it upon anyone else who is not but I wish others would be more open/understanding about it. Should it be something taught to other women but when? Obviously it is not something they want to hear whilst they are pregnant but Im getting tired with all the baby news around me.

Every where I look on faceboook..why does everyone choose to put their childrens as their profile picture...just to rub it in IF's face..of course not they love them but it still feels like a dig...especially when motherhood and children are talked about like its a production line..how often you hear 'I only want my children 2 years apart so they are close together' havent you heard that not everything always goes to a plan and its what the universe plans for you but then bam...they get their wish exactly..

I have a very close friend of mine who just had her second baby....and I was trying way before her having her first...I feel ripped off in one mind but then I go noo.....she had a major trauma at young age and is lucky to have her life today so please do not be insensitive but when I spoken to her about both her pregnancies..they both seemed like a typical fertile woman a painful pregnancy and cant wait to get baby out...when I get my BFP I am not going to complain one bit and if I do, I require a slap. I kept telling her enjoy it as its over before you know it...and she still dont get it....Im not ready to share my IF with her I will one day when I get my babies but not now as I am scared of their reaction and Im not ready to deal with any negative feedback and dont want any gossip behind my back either (note I have spoken about I do like children so it is obvious that I want them)...I dont want here talking to another friend saying 'I know someone going through IVF like I am a statistic' ..Its hurtful to say but I like having control over who knows and the ones who know I feel I can trust..This friend also complained it took her 4 months to conceive the first then 9 months on second...IF only my goodness if only they are pretty good odds...so all I can say my poor dear friend cannot see/count her blessings even after suffering a traumatic event in her life...I still love her and slowly and surely one day she may realise if not in this life her next...on a positive she did say she always loves talking to me as I lift her spirit...

Im not in a good frame of mind today...I need to pick myself up...Im feeling like the victim and I dont want to be the victim..I want to be the one who can safely announce Im pregnant before any one else beats me to it...even though it should not be a race...sometimes it feels like it when it happens so easily for others...my sister in law is already talking about her third and we got married the same year....

Im going to go focus on the good and go count my blessings and be greatful for this IF journey as if anything comes out of it...us women on IF journey sure do have a very different appreciation of motherhood when we get it and are just that much wiser...

Love and light and happiness

Count my blessings

My goodness...what a week it has been...after seeing my FS on Wednesday, I picked myself up and went back into positive frame of mind...wow I felt good when I left that place after getting my second and second last monthly injection of zolodex...I counted to 20 as he stabbed me as its like your belly button getting pierced the feeling...so at least if I can handle the monthly injections, the daily FSH should be easy!
At FS Office babies were surrounding us...just another positive sign and FS said every second day he gets his clients visiting with babies he has helped them conceive..oooh I cannot wait til I can be one of those people!!!

I had a challenging weekend of having a family function yesterday with one evil sister in law (SIL) with two DS..and another beautiful SIL heavily pregnant and due in May...I did not get upset and just blocked out the conversation when I did not want to hear some of the pregnancy stories but also joined in or started conversation when I was in control ...I am so happy for my SIL who is due in May as she had a MC just like me ..Her MC was way after my MC but I know my time for BFP is close by so its ok...Im crocheting her a baby blanket as well which will be lovely...I felt like telling my DHs family about our IVF but one SIL is so insensitive and the timing is not right..I dont want negative thoughts from people so I will leave it until we get our BFP and past 12 weeks if I feel ready ..I just want them to understand our journey has not been easy and we have not only suffered a MC but infertility as well...a MC is bad on its own I know but both my SIL fell pregnant within 3 months of their MC...its been nearly 2 years for me..only DH parents know for now as I feel that they have been so supportive of us and know we want children and its only fair to tell them

I also had a function with insensitive friends who we had to reschedule our holiday with due to IVF starting....they still do not get it...but all well they dont have to but I just need to keep my distance...hot flushes on and off all weekend...hormonal rages but all is ok haha its all worth it in the end

then today a trip to the city on an 1hour train trip and half an hour drive to station = 3 hours of travel all up. IM exhausted..who could do this everday..but I started to count my blessings..not me I can choose to go to the city but would ever hate working in there and travelling all the way from home..that I can choose to work from home so when baby comes Im always at home with them...and not travelling from home to city and city to home as I would be gone for 12 hours for a normal 8 hour day ..there is no way I could do it...



All I can say is from the blow out with DH last week our relationship has just become more stronger...this IF will not beat us...we will beat it...