A very preggy christmas and to a wonderful new year

With christmas now behind us and with the new year so so close now...what will your new year resolutions be?

I havent really thought about it until know...Christmas and my baby shower and all the list of things I need to get done before baby arrives have been my main priority..

I worked madly up until 22nd December then spent 23rd shopping for food and 24th cooking away....

This year I think I win on the front that my belly was bigger then Santas

It was pretty awesome christmas this year where every year in the past when I wanted to be pregnant and wasnt...Christmas time of year was one of the hardest...yes I still remember those days all those preggy ladies with christmas presents to come and admiring their bellies wishing it was me...well now its my turn..Im actually the one getting all the attention...well my belly is and I do love it...but never forget...

I cant wait to be able to play the role of Santa and put out food for Santa and his reindeers...to put up a stocking for our child and presents under the tree...

I am now 32 weeks and new year approaching and I can see the home run...so back to new year resolutions what are yours?

Well to think about it now here are mine:-

1. To have a safe and healthy delivery of our child

2. To not become overwhelmed with all the new changes ahead for us ...parenthood..relax and you will find the answer

3. To ensure at some point in time next year we do have a family holiday even if short and sweet...just some time for us...

4. To continue with our planning/design/construction of our outdoor entertaining area...yes it took us a whole year to try to get a design searching for a builder who will not rip us off...but no luck...we got a bit preoccupied in 2011 and put it in the too hard basket and focused on doing things inside house preparing for baby

5. To ensure our big annual family holiday still goes ahead but postpone it until Sept/Oct School Holidays/Public Holiday..couldnt imagine trying to go away with a 6 week old at Easter


So thats all I can think of for now at this oddly time of 430am in the morning...yes pregnancy insomnia...

I am also praying my fibroid in uterus lifts so baby head becomes engaged as it appears it is blocking baby turning in position...there is still time of course but it would be nice if it wasnt left until last minute lol...but whatever will be will be...I am in excellent hands and my obstetrician will do whats best at the time

So to all my fellow bloggers...wishing you all blessings for the new year to come and hoping for more BFPS for those still on AC path and safe and healthy pregnancies for those who finally got their miracle..

Another milestone ..30 weeks tomorrow

Hello to all my fellow blogger friends...
I cannot believe that tomorrow I will be officially 30 weeks with only 10 to go...Wow...
to even think I have made it this far is amazing and I feel so blessed... I am now on fortnightly visits with my obstetrician and have reconfirmation that he will now be here again not away on holidays when baby is due...another relief With a possible small complication giving birth with my fibroid as long as baby turns and it moves out of way...
so I am praying and asking for this to happen..Im so happy my obstetrician will be here to help... Im still busily finalising all my work before christmas, organising present buying for January and February birthdays so I am not running around when I am due as well as organising hubbys 40th and doing some things for my baby shower which is on 8th January so its a very busy beginning start to the year ...and this is all after christmas celebrations I love feeling baby move all the time now...its great but havent managed to capture on video yet as baby always stops when I grab my phone to record... It loves kicking me in the V area and bladder as thats where its feet are....
which sometimes I get startled shock...but I love feeling baby move as its reassurance all is good I have put on nearly 20kg but its all in my belly and boobs...however....do I dare to bare my stomach...I think I can and deserve to show you it..skin and all lol..and sorry about the bra shot..but considering the size of my bra its covering everything up ok

Cant wait until we put the nursery together...got all the furniture delivered today...felt so surreal that this furniture is going to be for a baby that I am going to have that will sleep in it...its all coming together... I took my mum to my ob appointment Monday so she got a peak at baby very quickly on the ultrasound (my ob has a machine in his room so every visit he checks my baby out) Baby is in breech but its ok he said there is still time obviously but baby face is facing down with spine at the top under my ribs and feet down so maybe its in the process of turning..ooh I hope so

and I would like to acknowledge Chon from My path to insanity & beyond and Haidee from maybe baby or the loony bin? who have both acknowledged that for us infertiles it is ok for us who have struggled with terms of falling pregnant that not every moment we have to appear to be the perfect pregnant mother to be and perfect mother when baby arrives because we wanted this so much..nothing is perfect and its ok for us to complain or have a hard time....because yes there are times when people ask how I am I dont want to complain because I have wanted this so much and I always say the positive outweigh negative and the highs exceed the lows but to not feel guilty when people ask how you are? and I finally finished my first jacket/cardigan for baby too which I will have to post a picture sooon!!!

Happy 33rd Bday to Mummy to be

Hello fellow blogging friends It seems like its been a while in between posts but maybe it hasnt..just so much happening in between I just wanted to share with you it was my 33rd Bday on Sunday...and I finally got to celebrate it being a mummy to be...and I actually got to celebrate my birthday being pregnant...nothing could be more special then this day on my bday. Here is a photo taken on my birthday night with this marvellous sunset....and I wore a matching colour dress (random)

I had an amazing weekend actually celebrating my bday with Saturday dedicated to hubby and I....we enjoyed a lunch together at my favourite location and cafe...then I had home cooked dinner made by hubby with my favourite food....spaghetti carbonara (with gluten free pasta)....yummo!!! Then Sunday I had a friends baby shower for lunch ...surprised by my favourite flowers when I arrived home courtesy of hubby...yes oriental lillies I had them in my wedding bouquet and still to this day I can always have oriental lillies the fragrance just fills the home beautifully

I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful husband and to be surrounded by wonderful family on my birthday...we always celebrate our families birthdays on my side with a dinner etc...and I really did enjoy it Im nearly 27 weeks so few days off Trimester 3 and entering my 7 month I cant believe it...that means Im entering home run phase...Im excited but at same time dont want the pregnancy to end...I love being pregnant and as us infertile women understand I feel I appreciate every little significant moment of this pregnancy Like watching my belly bounce around when baby is kicking...embracing my larger breasts growing 2 cup sizes but in fact I would not like them all the time this size as they are heavy and hurt lol...love being able to touch my belly and rub it...not purposely in front of people but I do it in my own time and space... and in relation to my poor furry girl's recovery...her stitches came out today...two week ssince operation...cone still required on head for another week...she smells and is in need of bath but this is off limits for another week...and she is totally depressed with having to keep the cone on... in desperation of 35 degrees celsius and above temperature..we had to remove it but watch her as the poor dog was hyper ventilating... Im feeling so blessed at the moment...and hope I continue to love this journey and share with you Over and out for now xx

25 weeks and nursing already?

Today I am feeling emotionally and physically drained...and I have reached 25 weeks today!! For those who dont know my poor baby furry girl who is now 4 had a major operation on Tuesday ie TPLO like a knee replacement but a piece of metal plate joining two parts of her leg together in replacement of knee muscles...poor darling obviously had torn it a while ago and now has severe arthritis but dogs have high tolerance for pain so its not until its gotten really bad that something major has been done Dont get me wrong I had my vet constantly looking at it every visit as I thought she favoured this leg but vet thought nothing of it and we tried different things prior to doing the xray then xray showed it all Anyways I have a nasal infection and sore throat which has reduced my energy levels, plus heat plus needing to let my dog out of her play pen every 2hours for a wee and trying to work from home and get everything done before christmas...Im exhausted She did not eat this morning so I will be on constant watch today as I need her to eat so she can have her medication and Labradors LOVE their food and never leave anything behind so I am concerned Send me blessings that all will be ok PS THe play pen in the picture is new yes and I am going to use it for baby when they are big enough to crawl around and get into things ..dont worry I will disinfect it all prior to baby using it but at least I get two uses out of it lol

Protective instinct already

Hi my fellow blogging friends Sorry its been a while in between post...was not sure exactly what to post and have been dealing with many things work and personal whilst preparing for this baby to arrive... I cant believe my protective mother instinct which obviously kicked in as soon as I found out I was pregnant but now with a pregnant belly to show Im even worse......I even walk around holding my belly from unexpected people possibly running into me... This beautiful baby is not even born yet and I am already guarding it with my life... I feel like this penguin in this picture....

I am now 24 weeks and 4 days and less then one month and I am in trimester 3 can you believe that? It still feels surreal and that worrying if baby is ok does not go away...If i dont feel baby move for a while I start to query is baby ok in there? is your heart still beating then I get these reassuring kicks and when in doubt drink a really cold drink and sit still and you will be sure to feel it.... I even shook my belly around today to get baby to move so I knew things were ok...Hubby said dont be so mean to baby you dont like being woken up in your sleep lol well that is definatley true...I dont know how I will cope on lack of sleep as I am grumpy as hell.... I am still getting my mid morning wake up calls and am wide awake and unable to sleep so I go do some things, work from office or crochet for about an hour then Im tired again and off I go back to bed.... I will have to share with you my crocheting efforts...for my baby of course.... I already have made two gifts for two friends of mine for their babies born recently ...and one is for a dear friend overseas who has suffered immensely with infertility and loss of babies in the past and now has a premature baby born approx 10 weeks early who mind you is doing well considering being born early.... Here is one of the hats and booties I made for a 3 month old for my baby to be....

and the gift I made for my dear friend overseas....

I am enjoying all the attention a pregnant lady gets and embracing it all even the negative comments of "your so big,,sure your not having twins" Yep Im definately sure and "Id hate to have a summer baby winter so much better" well Im due end of Feb end of summer so baby is really only get a taste of it...its me being pregnant that will have to put up with stifling heat and anyways thats small sacrifice for huge gain. Id rather baby born in end of summer autumn then winter as all those colds and flus going around just something else to worry about...but it is what it is and I cant change it but people still have to comment ... I am still suffering from reflux and heart burn but hey small sacrifice for large gain but paddle pop ice creams rainbow flavour at night are my favourite to help settle my tummy... I am loving my pregnancy pilates and body pillow all helping with my hips maintaining their alignment... So I will do attempt my baby shower registry this week so I can then organise my invites for my baby shower...yes I have lots of family and best friend offered to help but I actually enjoy the organising part of it and at least I get what I want re baby shower decorations etc they came in post today as I ordered online.... and on the sideline my baby furry girl Jasper goes in for her major operation tomorrow her TPLO which is like knee reconstruction but piece of metal put in her leg...I know she is in best of hands as one of two surgeons in southern hemisphere perform these operations will be doing it and thats all they do...but Im still worried for her...I will send her good thoughts and blessings and will try not to cry when I drop her off ....Im a sook at best of times and with pregnancy hormones in place Im even worse!!!

22 weeks ....can it really be?

Every day and every week and every milestone of this pregnancy is so memorable...I appreciate every minute and every second of it no matter the highs and lows...I love being pregnant and as us infertily women know how difficult it is to get to this part of being pregnant...how could you not appreciate and thank the universe and god (as however we all see him) for giving me this gift... Im an emotional personal when not pregnant but being pregnant oh boy does it make you even more sensitive....I can cry at the drop of a pin..then laugh 5 minutes later... I love that I now can feel my baby live inside me with its beautiful kicking and punching...and even hubby has had a chance to feel...its those little things that remind me everything is ok I have one of the most adorable nephews who is 9 years old and who wants to follow my pregnancy week by week...he is an only child ( but in between I am wishing for him and praying he gets a brother/sister)..I have to email/sms him to tell him what size of fruit is baby this week? how adorable is that? He even tells his friends and neighbours that he is so excited about me having this child...He is one special boy not that my other nephews and niece are not...but he has a special gift (a grown man living inside a child's body I say).. Its having people like that around you when your pregnant that appreciate your pregnancy as much as you do that make it that so much more special PS in between, facebook announcement went well..I feel good now that it is out ..there were still some people who I thought would comment on my photo and picture ie I put a picture of me I posted prior on this blog with 21 down 19 to go written.... UPDATED Today I had a wedding which was a beautiful wedding in fact in beautiful location..however I had to see one of my relatives who is pregnant as same time asme (she is due 11 days before me!!!) for her 5th pregnancy!!!!! and she is only 1 year younger then me...and nothing is wrong with big family but something is wrong when she is not allowed to have in her care any of her children and has a mental disorder from drugs.....so this pregnancy is not a welcomed one... I found it real difficult to face her as I celebrate our pregnancy with my family ....I could see she was jealous but I did not care...I could not be mean but I actually feel sorry for her....that she feels the need to have more kids...and you know what her reason was to keep her company...to me its so much more then that but then we are all different...it was hard to face especially when I wish it was my sister pregnant with me instead of this relative....but thats not the universes plan...and I bless this baby as my relative continued to drink and smoke today whilst pregnant !!! My husband even said you were stand offish to her and I know I was because how can you compare anything in our lives..how can you compare the pain and grief I have had to get this child when it has come so easily to her ..I could not give her the joy that I am having for myself...I did say congratulations because she said it to me and Im not a total bitch but all I can say is our parenting skills will also be nothing to compare I wish her all the best for this pregnany and the safe arrival of her baby and that it endures a fulfilling life because this baby aint gonna have it easy at all.. but the classic was when this relative said to me have you had a boob job? Im like what the F****? Umm its from the pregnancy I have big boobs because Im pregnant like this is your 5th time..should you know that?? Bless her bless her is all I can say....

Can Facebook handle the news?

Thank to you all my supporters and dealing with my momentarily crazy rants... Well push come to shove and a friend had written something on my facebook wall re my belly getting bigger.... and to not offend anyone else who are friends of mine in past from either work or school who do not know the news.... I thought this has to be the opportunity now...I cant keep it hidden.... I cant lie that I dont have any news so I spreaded the word My hubby didnt want me to announce it on facebook as he wanted to keep it private but why cant I celebrate with the world...The timing is perfect I wasnt ready to rush to tell facebook at 12 weeks...facebook didnt deserve to know but I privately sent messages to those close to me of the news....as I felt comfortable at that time...and in between the joy of telling people you know in person is so much better then facebook so I had to allow time for that too... I was overwhelmed with emotions each step of this pregnancy and this pregnancy deserved the respect I wanted for it....the whole world did not have to be plastered the news at 12 weeks....I was not going to be the typical facebook pregnancy announcement..thats not me (not to say any of you who did shouldnt of....this is just how I felt) but with me getting bigger and photos taken couple of weeks ago and passing 20 weeks I think Ive left it long enough...so I did Hope you are all proud of me....Overwhelming of emotions as I did it this morning....as its obviously been a struggle for us..but facebook dont need to know that...all they need to know is Im happy and pregnant and enjoying every day and every moment of it Love to you all

Colour choices for Prams..help

Oh my goodness who would think this post would be about choosing pram colours I finally decided on the pram I love and we only have limited colours to choose from...and I quickly rushed and ordered it the other day (second time viewing) as sale was on and wanted to get it at the great price...however I am now regretting colour choice possibly Here is colour I chose (its called diamond white but more bone/silvery cream colour)...I got this in the bassinnette option too...the only other colour Ilike is the boring conventional black (it also comes in red and purple but I dont like red and hubby doesnt like purple) Possibly thinking leave bassinette in the white colour but change pram seat to black...but am worried about black fading but also concerned about how easy to clean the lighter colour If keeping the lighter colour clean was not an issue I would choose that over the black BUT what do I do?? With this pram I also get a second seat thrown in for free in the package which i wanted to match same colour so possibly black too? Or would it be good to have one in black and one in diamond white so when white gets too dirty swap to black? I know this is most likely the silliest of questions and Im obsessing over pram colour choices but with huge $$ spent on this baby jogger city select I want to make the right purchase/ Any other potential mothers or mothers have an opinion in which choice of colour? UPDATER After not being able to sleep for 2 hours and some more sleep and talking to my dearest mum...I have decided to stick to the colour I love...have read from other forums ladies with same colour and said its easy to wash and you can use seat liners if you ahve to feed them in it....decided I dont want to put my baby in black not a nice colour if you are into colour therapy for baby to be surrounded by and this colour is neutral So lesson learnt...do not stress over colours go with your gut instinct and dont write blog updates early in the morning when you cant sleep

My baby belly 19.2 weeks

Hey there Well my good friend is doing photography course and wanted to use me as her project but we had to cancel due to rain coming so instead my beautiful hubby decided to take some pics of me around our garden at our house Let me know what you think, I wish my blog was private so I could show my face Im worried that non infertility people might come across my blog

and one of me with my furry baby girl

and another one of my favourites (note, my hubby now thinks he is a professional photographer and was even doing commando rolls to get some photos crack me up

and by the way....I am contemplating putting a picture on facebook but I am yet to tell facebook world about our pregnancy...dont know if I want to yet or ready!!

Our 19 week scan

Yes we are nearly at half way point and definately feels surreal....I love every chance we get to see our baby on the big screen lol...and we committed to our promise of not finding out the sex even though how tempting it was Baby was not co-operating and was quite content for the examination not wanting to move for the sonographer at all...we had take 1 ..then I had to relief bladder to see if we could wake baby up to move...nope take 2 failed....so we had to go away and walk for 15 minutes and have a cold drink of lemonade to get this baby to roll over so she could do further testing...welll yahh take 3 even though only slightly moved...she got what she needed... So this picture is the best 4d profile picture she could get (would not move hand away from face then kept moving hand around the face lol)...this time we got our session on DVD and only printed pictures so I had to scan them...Hubby and I from the face bone structure already sat down and worked out what facial features baby takes after lol....Hubby is so cute and was so excited when we sat down and analysed the facial features What we believe it has hubby's eyes and high cheek bones...nose we cant tell as not defined enough ...but my lips and chin...but thats with no fat on the face...so of course baby will change when born but it is still fun to analyse... We got the sonographer to write down sex on piece of paper and seal in envelope...and whilst we on way home and out at dinner...hubby kept saying I want to look and deep down I m like I dont want you to know as I dont want to know and it will change the pregnancy forever and no going back if find out...So we shredded the envelope when we got home so no temptation for hubby...I was ok I would not look at it at all but couldnt trust hubby and he said he couldnt trust himself lol..so Team Green it is!!!! So off this weekend to put my furniture on order....and go pram shopping again but this time with Mum...we have so many choices out there for options....it is fun but also overwhelming but we will get there in the end... In between...I did have a moment in the ultrasound place as this was last place I went to prior to getting diagnosed with endo and when I had to see my missed miscarriage on the big screen..I had this flashback for 2 minutes as I dont know why but I sat in the same bloody chair and place when I went there for reconfirmation of my prior miscarriage...so I had a little cry then went to myself STOP it shake it off..and moved seats...as I wanted to remember today as a new memory and an exciting time for us ahead...I looked at the hospital and said I will now have a new beautiful memory of this place...I never had any of my ultrasounds at this place for IVF...but now Iwill have memories of my pregnancy #2 with having a baby!!!!

Crazy planning

Now most of the time I am an organised person and perfectionist but over the last 12 months or so...I have tried to let go ...obviously still like planning but I cant control every outcome...all I can do is do my best and things will work out Since January this year, hubby and I have been planning and organising a new entertainment area...alfresco dining..sunken eating area....yes we had started this journey since january this year...and guess what...we are still at designing stage ...lol ..I think we have decided now what we want...note, we thought originally we could afford a pool and new entertainment area but who would think an outdoor entertaining area would cost so much...so anyways we are leaving provision for the much future ie 5 years time or so to put pool in but we still want entertainment area... Now its choosing a builder...designing takes time and over this process I have trusted many professionals with the task at hand but man the new builder and designer had this job since June and we are still going...so looks like my goal of having it done by xmas (I thought 12 months was good expectation of having it done by) that it will not... Anyways there are worse things in the world and I am not letting it get us down...we have far more better things to focus on ie baby to come and all the costs associated Anyways I was hoping we could have my hubbys 40th next year in January (note, I will be 8 months pregnant) at home and my baby shower (which will be in mid January)...well well after last weeks meeting with builder...I have decided to not stress myself out about it and have decided to not put unnecessary pressure on thinking the entertainment area will get done by xmas...so I have been looking at holding hubbys 40th at a restaurant. with air conditioning...but the issue is can we ask people to pay in lieu of gift? I have done this before for my 30th and for my mums 60th, nannas 90th and with baby coming along another $1500 - $2000 for his bday will be stretching budget....or can we pay for meals and get people to buy own drinks at bar (as there are separate bars at both restaurants people can get served at) The hard thing is we want to invite all the people on the list but if we have to pay we may need to cull it and is it really fair for people not being able to come because we dont want to pay but if we get them to pay the numbers are unlimited....and by the way out of approx 65 people there are 15 kids.... Also my baby shower courtesy of my mother in law she said we can have it there since she has space, air conditioned room and a tiled garage floor all which we can use for a hot summers day in January..Im so greatful she will let us have it there...mums house not big enough in air conditioning to fit us or my sisters so mother in law it will be I also bought a month ago on line a catering voucher for canapes for $350 for $1200 worth of food for 40 people so me thinking I can use this for the baby shower .... In between I still have everything else to plan for buying baby things, trying to get all my clients work done by xmas and prepare for an audit of my business... Now I know I will get there and letting the wheels of motion move everything along at same time..... but one thing I have decided is then entertainment area outside we can use it for babys christening...now there is a plan!!!!! PS in relation to pregnancy status ..we go for our 19 week scan this week...and Im so excited...I really dont want to find out what it is but it will be so tempting in the moment to ask....how do you get around that one?

Fathers Day to be

(I apologise in advance for no paragraphs even though I typed in paragraphs it wont post this way!!) Fathers Day and Mothers Day when they appear every year...its just another reminder to those trying to conceive for something they so long and desire to be parents and feeling isolated and left out... I definately and clearly still know what that feels like but this Fathers Day was one that we could finally feel like we are moving along....well so what our baby is not born yet...so what if your a parent to an angel or so what if your a parent to the furry kind...I feel we should celebrate all of these type of parents on these special days.... Well this Fathers Day we could finally feel like we could take that next step in celebrating this day...I chose to buy my husband a card and make him breakfast in bed (however he chose to get out and not wanting to eat breakfast) but I did end up making him nice morning tea sandwich... It was a weird feeling to know we are nearly half way through the pregnancy (well 16 weeks tomorrow) but I still wanted to share and enjoy the day with my husband So I got my mum to take a photo of us together with baby belly as this would be a once in a life time moment we would ever get to do this I also decided that I am not plastering my pregnancy announcement on facebook...this pregnancy and my journey TTC was not something I want to publicise to the world and have told people in variety of ways and still enjoying telling others especially my clients as I see them or people not so close to me....who knows I may at 20 weeks put something on facebook but I am not ready yet...after all the pain and trauma we have gone through to get here I dont feel its appropriate to brag to the world!! However, many friends and family have been so supportive of our news and excited and I have already been receiving gifts of congratulations...many people are so excited as they know we have been trying for a loong time! So here is hoping everyone had a happy Fathers Day on Sunday

Book Giveaway - The Infertility Handbook

As most of my followers know, I recently got my Big Fat Positive after undertaking my first ICSI. Prior to undertaking IVF course, I won this book from one of the blogs I follow, A Field of Dreams and am proud to say upon receiving this book and use of it for a couple of weeks due to myself being succesful with IVF....I now no longer want to hold onto the book as I want to share the good luck charm from this book but i had to wait until I reached Trimester 2!!

No way at all do I consider myself fertile..Hello I conceived via IVF and am definately still classified as an infertile but I dont want to be selfish and want to spread that baby dust where I can

So if you would like to win such book

respond below and i will draw it within one week and arrange for it to be posted to you...

Pregnancy update - Photos of baby and my bump

Well after the controversial NT scan....I went ahead with it....I already had the blood test and was so looking forward to it even though I knew it would not change my mind the results about keeping the baby..but the scan was excellent..it was great as since we already had one two days ago we knew everything was going to be ok...so we could relax more at this scan...

and when the lady said our risk factor was low, pregnancy appears normal there was some relief as well as there was a girl in one of rooms waiting for her amnio who obviously had high risk...I could feel her pain of not knowing and risk of possibly losing the pregnancy and our scan was running late due to her amnio...I was ok with it...I have been there in the ultrasound place before surrounded by pregnant women when I knew I was having an ultrasound to confirm my baby had no heart beat (first pregnancy 2 years ago) and remember how it felt...I remember just crying with my mum at that ultrasound..looking at that screen I was meant to see something alive...and I asked the sonographer to turn off my screen...SO IT WAS EVER SO EXCITING THIS TIME I GOT TO SIT THERE AND WATCH MY BABY KICK AROUND AND HEART BEATING!!!

All close family and friends now know of our news...the most precious was sharing news with my nanna on her 90th birthday....I showed her the baby ultrasound...she couldnt see (hard vision) and I said its a baby...then we both just cried together!!!

My aunty was also standing by and she cried too...

I have not told the world we did IVF but I did say in the sms message to my friends that we have received our blessing of a miracle to become parents..Im not ready emotionally to share the pain of our IVF journey but I am not r letting people think it was easy for us either...most people get it anyways without us saying anything since we have been married for so long...but I like to add that miracle ....maybe at later point in time I can tell others

I had trouble with one of our good friends wanting to tell some people who live in our local community but since I used to run a business in it....I was centre of gossip when business sold that I was pregnant Im not ready for them to know yet...I will make them wait a week but this friend could not understand why I wanted to wait...she got annoyed that I kept changing my mind when she can tell the world...its my news I can change my mind however I like..I told her Im not ready for their gossip and one week is one week what does it matter..I just want to enjoy the news for a week with my close friends and family....

anyways so nearly in Trimester 2 so lets share my photos of joy for all of you

Also over next couple of days..I will announce my win a book competition for my followers...I won this book from one of blogs I follow..Field of Dreams and feel it helped me get my BFP and I want to spread that luck to someone else..not that I think I am fertile now that I am pregnant but feel that since I have now got my BFP someone else suffering like I did trying to get pregnant can benefit from this book

Blogger Award Response

Athena from Field of Dreams..what a sweetie and legend...thank you for nominating my blog for

Thats really sweet and I totally agree with her post about connection over cyberspace with some really special ladies and our journey with infertility....when at times you feel so alone your not in the world of internet and what would we do without it?? Love the 7 things revealed about yourself...Im glad I dont catch the train lol

So after being nominated, we need to tell 7 things about ourselves then nominate 7 followers so here goes:-

1. I love hotted up cars, come from car fanatic family and have a bit of led foot (settled down in my older years now since Im a mature woman)..When I was younger we used to drive around in my friends red mx5 convertible to the city, bondi beach run and through kings cross as we both loved to drive all night..and maybe picked up some guys on occasions :p
2. I have always had a weak bladder (remember pelvic floor... lift) and remember once I was so busting to go to the toilet during cross country race at school I just wet my pants (was competing for first)...no one notice thank god otherwise I would have been teased for rest of my high school years
3. I travelled overseas when I was 20 on Contiki tour and guess what...I had a boyfriend living in Amsterdam (left Australia to live there) so I promised to be loyal to him living in Amsterdam whilst Im holidaying in Europe on Contiki tour with some cute guys...and never cheated once...I did get to see my boyfriend after the tour for four days and it was our last sight of each other before the break up (very very traumatic tears everywhere at the time thought the world was going to end)
4. Got caught doing the do in my bedroom at home with boyfriend above by mum (very embarrassing) and the BF was in a gstring...it was a unspoken moment with my parents lol. Lesson learnt...with my husband now never to do it in the same house as parents when home.
5. One of my sisters is my best friend...we are so similar...we even get told we finish each others sentences off...we are so closely related and even share endometriosis together
6. I love staying in 5 star resorts and hotels whilst holidaying (not that we did when I was a child caravan parks were the best) but now with one income and my small income with baby to be...I think we may need to resort to those holidays at caravan parks but hang on those Big 4 caravan parks rock now!
7. The first grandchild of my family and child to go to Year 12 then university...

and the 7 blogs that I love following and have helped me on my journey are as follows:-

1. My path to insanity & Beyond
2. A year on..Our New Beginning...
3. Love and other drugs
4. Baby where are you
5. InfertiliTEE
6. Who said 3 is a Crowd?
7. Longing for lullabies

All these women have inspired me and have helped support me through my journey...there are of course more but these ones are predominant and Athena I thought since you nominated me how could I nominate back so I shared it with some other ladies...I wish all these ladies if there dream has not come true yet that it will as you all are amazing women who are kind to help others out there in need...

Pregnancy post - 12 weeks tomorrow

Just an update to say we met our obstetrician tonight and he is very funny but thorough at same time.

Got to see baby again and watching Baby G kicking around was so cool.

Anyways I am now confused as to whether to do the NT thursday as my OB reckons if you are not going to do the amnio test if its high risk there is no point and if you are not going to terminate then why worry yourself throughout whole pregnancy as sometimes NT results show high risk and baby can be normal....as the NT are not conclusive on their own with blood test...

I was excited to go see the baby again but now am having second thoughts...

UPDATE

Thanks for all my supporters...well after I sorted out my head and stopped trying to convince myself not to do it since I had made my mind up I did want to do it until I saw my OB...and all the help from you guys...I ended up sticking to doing the scan...I already had the bloods done last week and scan today...so everything is normal well low risk which either way is nice to know so now I can saviour in the moment...Im in love with my baby I could watch it jumping around all day lol...will post a pic soon just wanted to update my supporters...Ive been a bit busy with work, this baby stuff and my nannas 90th this weekend and I get to share the news with her....cant wait....

IVF - The debate should it be for free?

Well after reading a post from one of my fellow followers, Chon, it sparked some thoughts in my head regarding IVF in Australia, the diversity of choice, costs and government support.

Now followers in other countries would love to hear about how you can afford IVF but in Australia, basically, we are all covered by government medicare system which we pay our contribution via our tax system and we can voluntarily have private health cover as well to enable us treatment in private hospital compared to having it done in public.

In Australia the government does contribute like approximately 2/3 of the IVF costs via medicare, for those who go private clinics, your private hospital cover pays for your clinic stay/visit for egg collection and retrieval and you are approximately out of pocket 1/3 of the costs which you then can claim a rebate in your tax return.

Its probably a snobbish remark but one thing I never compromise on is my health and coming from a hard working family where my family had nothing, 4 kids in family, we never did without but never got spoilt. I paid myself through uni, bought myself my first car etc so everything I have done in life I have done off my own back so after running a business for 5 years successfully to the detriment of my health...why wouldnt I want the best now that I deserved it I worked for it right?

There is often a debate IVF should be free ie govt pays for it all...I mean from one point of view I agree as a working taxpayer after all these years I have contributed to the tax system and its not my fault my body failed me to conceive naturally without assistance where we have the crack babies and junkies having kids left, right and centre and get all the support and pay for nothing. Its ironic that harder you work more you pay.

Then there is another point of view...if it was free would I have had the choice of doctor I wanted ie fertility specialist...how long would the waiting list be ? and after waiting so long to conceive naturally I have to wait again until I get another go at IVF? I loved the fact I had the choice of my own fertility specialist...it was probably one of the most expensive clinics in Sydney but their success rates were higher on average then others and my FS had even higher success rates then clinic on average. Most people that went to my clinic and FS had already had several attempts at cheaper clinics then had it work 1st or 2nd go at this clinic. So why should quality of service and price you pay differ to others? At my clinic you have your same FS whole way through as well as same nurses due to size and does it come down to the FS professional advice..even one of the nurses said in all her 20 years of being IVF nurse my FS was the best IVF Dr she has worked for..always puts his patients first no matter what...and I paid for that privilege

I find that hard to comprehend that you have to pay more to get better service ie rolls royce version to the ford version but if the clinic I chose was not on the expensive end...the service I received I believe would not have been the same and I may have not got the same result ..Im not saying they are not successful clinic the cheaper they are otherwise they would not exist but we live in a democratic society and I am so greatful that I have worked hard and was able to have the choice of my own FS...and why shouldnt I?

So in summary maybe our government should provide more assistance but if your clinic charges more you wear that personally because for me personally...I may have been still waiting for my BFP if IVF was free and I went on a waiting list of doctor not of my choice...

SO I think it works to a certain degree the current system in Australia but maybe more assistance after your second failed attempt as why should you have to keep paying when it did not work first or second go...

We could hear the heart beat!!!

Wow yes you heard it from me we have a healthy heart beat 177 bpm and only one as some of us were worried with such high readings of HCG it may have been twins but yes its one only! It was the best day of our lives for hubby and I. Such a relief to see the flicker and hear the heart beat....like Enrique says...'I can feel the heartbeat' we sure did!!

and we were out by 2 days on my weeks so yesterday we were officially 9 weeks woo hoo!!! so now Im booked in for nuchal scan just to get a good look at baby again in 3 weeks time and will see my obstetrician 2 days before ...so then obviously if all goes well which Im pretty dam confident ...I can tell my Nanna at her 90th Bday that Saturday after we are 12 weeks ..now I have been dying to tell her and she has been waiting a very loong time for this announcement so cant wait to see her face!!!

I hope you enjoy the picture as Im not too great with scanning and as you may see the stubby little arm is waving at us lol

My fertility specialist is such a miracle worker and he has such a special gift whilst he was on holidays he had 8 ladies out of 10 get Big Fat Positives and saw 7 ladies yesterday all with successful pregnancies...This man is a legend and I owe this bubba to him...cant wait until my baby gets to meet him !!!

Well whilst I bathe in one of the highest moments in our lives other then our wedding day...and catch up on some sleep as sleep deprived for 2 hours last night with the whole day flashing past me over and over again ....repeating all words said by our doctor, hubby and I. I cried and cried and cried with tears of enjoyment and release of my fear all in one go!!

I cant wait to be a mummy!!!

8 weeks and 5 days to scan!

Well cant say time has flown since I got my BFP but I am so greatful my first scan is finally near...its been driving me crazy but at same time I have been trying to enjoy the experience apart from nausea...

Loving the fact my boobs have already increased one cup size so had to already buy some maternity bras as old ones were not comfortable... underwire does not suit pregnancy boobs and it hurts...am losing a lot of hair and its growing fast yahhh so now I can grow out my fringe...

However we have a dilemma next week after our scan who do we tell? My dear husband's brother is visiting from Germany and we would love to tell him before he heads home ...I know its before 12 week mark but I thought we could choose to tell immediate family only but how do you keep them from spreading the word until I reach 12 weeks...I feel like I want to tell them as last pregnancy which resulted in miscarriage we knew before 12 weeks but no scan and they left for Germany for definately 2 years ago and we said nothing...I want this pregnancy to be nothing of the same of the other one and want to do things differently...

The only people I have problem trusting is my husbands siblings partners...especially one whose family live close in location to me and I do not want my local community to know yet Im not ready to share it with the world....what do I say? Do I enforce they must keep it a secret ? unless we just tell the brother leaving and make the others wait lol...

I suppose if we put it a way where its not Trimester 2 yet but wanted to share it now because this brother T is here from Germany and that is only reason why and we respect you maintain our privacy until I say its ok after our nuchal scan....thats all you can do? and then its how we say it and what do we say? Not sure if Im ready to tell the world its IVF baby or immediate family maybe leave that out for now but tell them we have struggled and long battle for us to get here but we have....I dont know whether i want to use this as opportunity to get on my soap box and tell my inner thoughts to the other siblings that no my infertility is not from age, its medical and yes we all have a story/trauma but my husband and I are so proud we have gotten through this struggle for us...as I know what the others are thinking and I would like to clarify without detail

What do you guys think?

Decisions Decisions

I hope I did not offend anyone with my last post as it appears no one commented so whether they were too busy or not. Im sorry if I had but like I have said before I will never forget where I came from and like other women who suffered infertility and got their BFP I continued to follow their stories as gave me inspiration so I hope I can continue to inspire others that you too will get your dream....

Its still early days for me and Trimester 1 goes very slow especially when there is still alot of risk so Im trying to enjoy as much as I can apart from the nausea.

We toured two private hospitals we are considering because there is no way I would go public after everything I have been through to get here Im prepared to sacrifice any $$ for safety of me, antenatal care of baby and delivery. Ive worked hard financially to get where husband and I are today and I want to enjoy the benefits especially when it comes to your health.

I think we have swayed towards the closer hospital as the closest is still 25 min away with the other one at least 45 min away. Dont think I can risk the time difference even though the further away private hospital is newer and bigger I have stayed at both hospitals and nurse care is excellent as you get what you pay for. Also I dont want to travel in last month weekly 45 min away when heavily pregnant so I think the decision is made.

It did feel weird getting a tour when we have not even had our first ultra sound but it helped me to decide which obstetrician to choose. It was especially weird when I was surrounded by more pregnant ladies then myself but I dont care I want the choice and be informed and I can so I will.

My husband was so cute asking all these questions but I knew these questions will be answered at our antenatal classes...at least he asks and is interested god bless him but he made us look stupid when the other people go you should go to parenting classes they will help like derrr of course we are as if I dont know about them even though second time pregnancy first baby. I am fully aware of whats out there....

anyways enough for now and I will try to make the next 8 days go quickly past before my first scan

7 weeks tomorrow and 12 days to go to scan!

Not much to post but to say I will reach 7 week mark tomorrow woo hoo!!! and only 10 more days until I get to see the heart beat.

Hoping not like my other cyber friends who are pregnant from IVF at same time who recently had some scares with random bleeds but all are ok except one lost her twin of baby...so hoping I do not get a scare like that so far so good

Nausua has really set in and I hope it does not get any worse...everything I eat tastes metallic and I have no appetite to eat anything I cook... I cant cook in fact it makes me want to dry wrench and then I cant eat what i Just cooked..and I had a random day on Tuesday where I was violently ill and slept 5 hours during the day due to vomiting and gastro and headache but all seemed to pass by Wednesday just back to being nauseous...possibly a virus not MS?

Im cautious though of food I ate night before Tuesday so am avoiding that..Im really struggling with eating...I have to eat every bloody hour to avoid feeling sick so I spend half the day on the toilet weeing and eating...whats this 2 - 3 hours you need to eat you read in the books..Im every bloody hour...from jelly, youghurt, fruit, english muffins, crumpet then salads and boring soup as thats all I can handle to eat

Its funny how Trimester one is one of the hardest yet its the one you feel most isolated as you cant tell the world why you are feeling so ill and you feel the worst...so Yahh to bring on Trimester 2 and Trimester 1 to fly by so no more nauseous, worry and I can relax!!

Slightly going insane

Its probably all the hormones escalating things at the moment and poor dear hubby (DH) has to take the brunt of it

He was all excited that he had some male bonding time with his brother yesterday who is married to this Sister in law I spoke about last week ie self absorbed...the one whose world evolves around her,,then Dh decides to tell me they are going to try for number 3 soon in a couple of months...Im like what....these people got married 6 months earlier then us...suffered a miscarriage two months after mine and everything was about pooor her and her miscarriage and then she falls naturally within 2 - 3months and here I am 2 years later (well now pregnant by IVF) but still waiting for baby no. 1 ..now they feel the need to tell the whole bloody world they are trying for number 3...like you go up to a vending machine and press baby fertilise now and it happens like clockwork...if so this will mean she will have the perfectly planned gap of 2 years between each child ...what the? It gives me the blooody shits...things in life arent perfect and things dont go to plan...we dont have control over it but we can try .....I dont want to be pregnant at same time she is I mean we will probably be 4 months ahead of her but I dont want to share this with her...she is last person I want to share with....(I would love my best friend my own sister who has secondary infertility and wanting a second child to share with...so hopefully god will answer my prayers on that front)

and there is no granddaughter on my husbands side so if one of us is granted a girl she will want to the girl I know it ..she wanted a girl from baby #1 and now she has two boys....well god gave her two boys but I dont want her to give the grandparents the girl...I mean we do not care what sex our baby is honestly we dont.... we want a healthy baby thats all but please god do not give her the girl..let my other sister in law produce it if its going to happen .....because everything is always focused around her well she tries to be and when the other grandchildren fled overseas she had the only grandkids in Australia for 3 years until my sister in law recently gave birth and you do not know how happy I was to see that her kids will not get all the attention now..I am not normally evil or nasty but this women drives me nuts


So much poor dear hubby and I got into an argument because I said I dont want to know what she is doing...she annoys me ...she is insensitive and does not give a shit about any one else...even if I tell her what we had to go through to get our baby she still wouldnt bloody understand and I dont know if i want to expel my energy on her...I just cant handle anything to do with her ...I think its build up of angst towards her and extra hormones....

So after our 8.5 week scan we may tell immediate family as the family overseas are coming to visit in couple of weeks so if we can we would like to share it then...then I have to think about my plan of attack on how we announce it...do we go into detail or not about our journey as I dont need to justify to anyone why we have been so self centred lately and trying to look after me...

anyways I have some time to think about it without any further confrontations with her

The 4 week wait!!!

My goodness...I know this journey has been terribly difficult until the day of my BFP and you celebrate that day with pure happiness and every day since then focus on growing a healthy baby inside..you think you can continue being happy...I am I really am but there is still a part of me that questions?

I am continuing with all the symptoms of early pregnancy, all day nauseous, tiredness, sore boobs which are all great things as it feels like things are going along fine but it does not stop you questioning will everything be ok? Will we find a heart beat? Of course I want to be optimistic and think well I have been in those shoes before go to my scan and no heart beat so it cant happen again it cant!!

But man this 4 week wait since I found out at 4 weeks is driving me bloodynuts...I cant tell the world yet just in case however I feel like crap every day so having a reason for feeling sick all the time would be nice to share and then there are the pregnancy rumours already going around about me that I am pregnant in my local community which I chose to ignore but please cant people leave me alone!!! Cant they stop being sticky beaks

and you know you suffer from infertility and miscarriages when you finally get your BFP every time you go to the toilet without habit always checking my panty liners for blood for any signs but so far so good...that you stay optimistic but fear of no heart beat at your viability scan...bad luck cant happen twice cant it..I have already been dealt that card..

that you get excited when you have pregnancy symptoms as with no symptoms you question whether everything is ok? even though many women go have successful pregnancies without symtpoms....

so its terrible that this time round Im not so innocent because of my history but that only makes us and me stronger and wiser and to not forget where we came from because for me I will never forget my journey of TTC and my infertility as I have not crossed to the otherwise I am still infertile but am luckily and proudly got my BFP from IVF now I just need to keep it..I will never feel like that I belong in same group as women who are fertile and will find it hard to connect to other mothers to be who have not endured the painful journey us infertiles have..I know thats wrong but its how I feel...

So with just over 2.5 weeks now until my viability scan I need to continue to maintain my sanity

Selflessness is ok to get what you want!

Yesterday was a struggle as it was our first family get together/public display since we got our BFP even though the secret has not been revealed yet.

It was my nephew (sister in law and brother in law) first birthday.

I struggled in that when I got there I was suffering bad bloating my stomach blew up and I looked 4 months pregnant..how the hell was I going to try to hide it...hmmm a scarf to distract attention from it and to stay seated the whole time in one place lol apart from that it was very painful as well..

My mother in law and father in law were there and obviously they know..they were full of congratulations for us and excited to have another grandchild on the way. Even though my other sister in law (which is mother in law daughter) just gave birth 4 weeks ago to a beautiful boy my in laws obviously love to see their family grow.

It was so wonderful to be able to hold my new nephew again...he is so adorable and my Sister in law didnt have trouble conceiving but did have a miscarriage last year so they deserve this happiness as we do!!!

Its funny though as soon as new born arrives in the room he is swamped with attention its wonderful..I always sit back at first and instead of trying to fight the women off to get a hold of the baby wait patiently for my turn..

Why do women do that? Why do they become obsessed and find the need to push everyone else out of the way to get to hold him first.

I dont fall victim to those silly games. I sit back and when the time was right I sat next to the mother (arms empty of baby) and talked to her...then my dearest mother in law got her grandson baby back and brought him over to me....Awwww thats nice...I did not even have to ask..so yes I got a cuddle..if I did not get a cuddle it would not be end of the world but it came to me so it was ok...

Then after all that when we were leaving my other self centred sister in law (mother of 1 year old bday boy..confused yet?) has to pipe up and tell my husband and I we must come over to see her boys so they get to know their uncle and aunty..she always says it like we have all the time in the world and that we dont care...I hate being made feel guilty..for my whole life until last couple of years...I gave gave gave to everyone bloody else and forgot about me ..it was not until this TTC journey became difficult I realised I was giving away all my good energy to everyone else and not keeping it for myself...We do see the boys every 2 - 3 months but they live over an hour away its not easy to get to plus if she only knew what the last 6 months of my life have been like..I have been really selfish and that when I need to rest I do...yes the world lives on and yes people grow and change but its not like I dont see them at all..

I will need to tell her what we have been through but you think she would have a pretty good idea we want a family and especially since she knows we had a miscarriage 2 years ago like hello..we still have no baby in arms yet but this dream is only 35 weeks away ..but this other sister in law is so so selfish and the whole world evolves around her and her family and thats ok but I dont have energy to be subject to that right now...I didnt have it last 6 months and I still dont have it...I love my nephews but at detriment of our own family I cant....so she will have to get use to visits 2 - 3 months at family gatherings as I cant stand to be alone with her

Unnecessary pressure already!!

Oh boy I cant believe Im having to contemplate choices of obstetricians even before my first scan...I did not realise those in hot demand book out on day of expected missed period....I mean the pregnancy news is still settling in and its obvious I cant tell the world yet but Im needing to organise appointments with obstetrics even before i see my FS. This is absolutely crazy but if you want the best this is what you have to do..I will make timing of my appointments with obs after seeing my FS though to ensure smooth transition

My dilemmas are

1. Travel time - I live 25 minutes from closest private hospital and second closest private hospital is 45 minutes away....problem during last month of pregnancy and labour further to go will it make a huge difference?
2. Private Hospital closest to me I associate to me with bad memories from prior miscarriage and first lap with first obstetrician and I dont know if I can emotionally go there...but hey this one is a new positive experience and new obstetrician everything will be ok? so new obstetrician and same private hospital it will be ok
3. Personalities of each obstetrician and capabilities and flexibility and costs with antenatal and birthing..one rotates with 3 other obstetricians so you see her for antenatal care but 1/4 obstetricians will deliver baby...one is directly opposite private hospital so he ducks in and out all the time and looks like he will be here not on holidays at due date and 3rd is further away but with new private hospital closer to my FS...
4. Decision on which obstetrician....when do you have to decide as I am seeing two obs same week in July then another one 2 weeks later

Well I dont have to make decision now..just make the appointments which I have chosen no more then 3 then we will have to choose one...whoever thought this would be so bloody difficult!!! its great you have choices but sometimes choices are worse when you have to make the decision the best one!!

Its ok no need to worry

Just a short one to say that I had a second BT at my own request because I am a worry wart today!!!! Day 17 after transfer and HCG levels > 4,000 and progesterone >200 so all is good!! I cant believe I have nothing to worry about for now...I cant believe I have to wait four weeks to see our baby as my FS is away and I want him to do it

The nurses at the clinic are going what are you doing here today? A huge congratulations I was welcomed with then I let out all my tears as these nurses are amazing and know what we have been through...They gave me a big hug!!!

I said I voluntarily wanted a BT and they laughed and said thats ok...Enjoy each day as it comes they said and thats what I am going to do

Enjoy each day as live for today not tomorrow as no one knows what tomorrow is and if we worry about tomorrow we miss enjoying today

Living on a high because I can

I want to thank all my supporters, friends for all their kind wishes and blessings especially on my announcement.

As all of you know infertility journey is not easy so to sit down and announce the news is one faced with difficulty, its surreal, like can this really be happening to me? Is it finally my time?

I cried hysterically when my husband told me the news that it POSITIVE.... it was a relief of the fear I was holding for the negative it was a cry for happiness that I finally got dealt the right card...that finally things were going our way.....I was meant to get the phone call but the clinic were delayed and we kept thinking 3 hours after the expected time of call that it was all doomed that is was negative and thats why they havent called..I said to dear hubby you need to call them I cannot..I could not face the news then to tell him so my wonderful hubby rang and got the news first then rang me..

We wanted our dream of a family back in January 2008.. well dear hubby wanted it from day we were married but I was not ready in August 2003 ...I was 7 years younger then dear hubby and after studying for so long I wanted to pursue my career first...and so glad I did as I am much wiser woman now and we actually had some money behind us to help pay for IVF too

So nearly 3.5 years of TTC
1 miscarriage June 2009
1 D & C June 2009
1 laparascopy June 2010 and laparascopy March 2011 with removal of right tube, Diagnosed with Stage IV endometriosis and low ovarian reserve
1 ICSI cycle and
1 bloody egg
Clomid in between and vitex and wild yam
and many negative pee on a sticks in between, emotional meld downs,


Its funny how that day Friday was the turning point of our lives, turning point of our marriage...when a week ago we were discussing if we can really make it as the journey of infertility and continual stress and worry was getting the better of us but two days later I said no matter what we will not let this journey beat us we will beat it...how could we??... neary 8 years of marriage and 11 years of friendship and love...my husband is my best friend I was not giving up!!

Now since that day our relationship has changed and gone back to how it used to be.its like all that stress and worry has been released..dear hubby and I cuddle all the time now...he wants to be close to me all the time and I let him...I didnt like to before in last few months as I felt like I was letting him down re to become a dad..

I feel that I want him to bond as much as with this baby as much as I will...

I know we still have some big hurdles to jump yet but is ok I will enjoy each day at a time because I am pregnant and hopefully and praying it will be for another 8 months

Please note Im sorry for giving anyone heart ache in this time of infertility when you find out your infertility friends have gotten their BFPs..I am still infertile i have still suffered the same grief and will never ever forget it and will still be here for all of you...

I am perfectly positive that is a BFP!!!!

Oh my goodness how do I go about writing this message....Im still in so much shock!!

I know all my followers are anxious to know how I go....well after my mum and dear hubby and BC friends, you dear bloggers are next in line as you are the ones that kept me sane....

I dont know how to write this blog because of all of you know what it feels like to be infertile and all of you know what it is like each month to suffer disappointment when you get your big fat red cow or negative pee stick.

I know its easy to say now I had a hunch that I was...I mean I have been bloated constantly for last week I already look 3 months pregnant and I know its not constipation or my IBS as it was in my lower abdomen but I kept telling myself it could be the crinone ....I prayed and prayed and prayed....asking God Ive been to hell and back already last 3.5 years please do not put me through any more pain...please dont let me suffer another disappointment...

I only got one egg..one bloody egg at egg pick up I mean a lot of women focus on the number of eggs I was not expecting big numbers..Quality over quantity right? but to only get one....I prayed for that one little egg it has to make it...I was not going to let the fact I got one egg compared to women with 15 eggs as you only need one to work...and it fertilised..it was meant to be one...it was meant to teach me not to be greedy...

This TWW has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life...infertility is hard in itself but knowing your pregnant until proven otherwise has the weirdest feeling....

I am so greatful for the medical world, my fertility specialist and nurses what a job on it good days it would be bloody excellent but on a bad day it would feel like Shit.

So yes my levels for 4 weeks were at 700 HCG which are meant to be excellent numbers...they said I dont even need another Blood test only if I want one in between my scan in 3 weeks...Ooohhhh my fertility specialist is going away next week for 3 weeks so he wont be here to do scan...I will have to ring him monday to find out when he wants to do it and see me...so I can give him a big hug (lol that would be overstepping the line but I do want to hug him)..

So all that worry about what if it didnt work and Plan B does not have to be enacted right now....Im happy to go with Plan A and this IVF Cycle #1 and that everything goes smoothly

I think thats all I can get out now as all my words are mush!!!!

Melancholy Monday

Oh Im sorry for the deep dark post from Friday....I was so scared...I was so hormonal and so stressed trying not to stress out...its so funny how we become so obsessed without even knowing ...Dear Hubby and I are on great terms now after that bout....I said nothing will get us down or beat us this infertility...we are strong enough and we will get through this whatever results on Friday...

Its amazing how we tend to forget about our husbands when we are so obsessed with ourselves since we are the incubator....Anyways it will be what it will be and as soon as I stopped stressing..all my symptoms came back...

Still suffering bloatedness, sore back, and occasional twinges but twice already this week 2 days apart I woke up with AF type pain severe cramping then it dissapeared and no blood...hmmm interesting I do hope its implantation and my beautiful emby is burrowing nicely...

I love life and what joy this infertility has brought me...my wonderful friends via cyberspace....wonderful relationship with my mum, sister and husband...and Im continually attracting good things in my life...

Im having a massage tomorrow as in dire need of one and I googled this lady in my local area as I could not get into my normal massage lady and its funny how the universe works..this lady I have not even met her and she seems like a beautiful person..her chosen words in her texts show warmth and love and passion so the perfect person to get a massage from then I find out she had to move my appointment due to her going through IVF..what the ??? Now I definately cant wait to meet this lady and share stories...to share stories face to face with another person going through IVF is just another relationship that will be formed due to my infertility journey and I dont have to feel inadequate getting a massage from someone who may not understand my situation...Oh bring me more!!!

Then I got my hair cut today and they were running late and I said thats ok I have a thing called 'patience' and sat down. I sat down next to an elderly lady with a beautiful soft voice so caring and kind...then I find out she was a nun with her friend who was also a nun...no wonder I was attracted to them ...nuns have positive outlook in life and not that I am a strict religious person but I love being surrounded by people who have faith no matter what your problems are and thats what IF is about....to have faith that life will be ok...we will get what we want...this journey only makes us stronger...

I have faith if its not this time...it will be next time...but am praying that this will be our time....we deserve it after all...but I know if its not everything will be ok...of course I would be sad but thats part of journey but I will know how to pick myself up and focus on the good in my life because isnt that whats its all about...learning and continually evolving

Freaking Friggin Friday

What just happened yesterday? I do not understand.....what overcame me? overwhelmaing feelingst of everything? What is wrong with my dear hubby? Why is he so difficult to talk to about his feelings?

Major melt down yesterday...like major fight disagreement...all started when my poor dog had an injured leg and was not even walking on it...my hubby was meant to go out with the boys that night and me drive him but instead when he came home for me to take him...I wanted to take my poor dog to the vet and he wanted to wait until Saturday....my usual vet was not opened on saturday and my dog is 30kg so no way I was lifting her into the car to take on my own....well he could not understand why I got so emotional over the dog..I mean even I could not understand...all these extra hormones..then it got out of control...dear hubby sat in his car just sulking and firey red eyes that he could not go out and he was letting them down as we were meant to pick people up..I said what is wrong with telling them we have a family emergency and you can go later...NO ..he did not want to go after all that..I started crying hysterically trying to calm down as not good for baby...and I resorted to ringing my mum trying to get someone to reason with my head as my dear hubby wasnt...mum reasoned with me and I was ok to take dog on Saturday but nope Dear hubby was chucking a tantrum and he stayed home and we took dog to vet..and then he was extra angry as I rang my mum

I told Dear hubby today you need to understand i have extra hormones running at moment you need to be more understanding and compassionate for both of us and our future family...my god he can be so selfish ...I will sure be ready for tantrums when my kids come along as he does it sometimes too often..and he is 39....acting 5

Well we sort of made up today after he still held some anger...I just hope all is ok down with my emby and even those moments of severe stress this emby is a fighter and all will be ok..we went out for a couple of hours and he sulked the whole time...looking to retreat to a movie this afternoon and a comedy to lighten things up

Tried to find somewhere to get a massage but with long weekend no such luck until Monday but I will be busting down their door on monday to realign my energy and put positive thoughts back into my body!!!!

Universe give us strength that we will make it to Friday....and all will be ok...

Tantalising Two Week Wait

Who would have thought that a week has not even gone past yet and you think this waiting time is driving me nuts?

Well gee you think you would be patient waiting the two weeks after trying for 3 and half years TTC that two weeks is nothing as in relation to time but its not isnt it?

I mean I had this Day 2 perfectly looking emby transferred in my uterus brilliantly shining...I have been stuffing my vag with crinone cream morning and night to keep the new home for my emby perfect to nest in..you would think I am not worrying..Im not worrying not at all. Curious to know whats going on inside...I mean for once I know that I am pregnant until proven otherwise..all that guess work each month not knowing when BDing naturally Im so over trying naturally so at least I know its out of my control and all I need to do is relax and that medical science helped my eggs fertilise this time...and about relaxing...I only work part time from home..I walk every day as per doctors orders..I meditate every day...but as every other lady who has tried IVF the TWW is one of the hardest...It is ...my poor brain is confused... I need to act like Im pregnant but Im not officially until I see two lines but I want to be...and a fertilised egg is inside me so I am arent I..wow no wonder the poor brain goes nuts....so I have decided I am pregnant of course I am and of course I want to get a positive reading next Friday 17th June and I dont want to think of what to do next until that day arrives/...Right? Dont worry about the future or the past just focus on the now...So I will focus on the now and that is Im pregnant (PUPO) and will deal with anything else when I am there in the moment..

So why do I find myself up at 500am in the morning? Maybe its not only the TWW but the clash of emotional games added to me yesterday of running into people who were connected to my past the past I left behind so I can move on and stay destressed...I used to own a business in small community and also was part of non profit organisations..Man I used to do so much run a full time business, volunteer my time left right and centre..no wonder my body could never incubate a baby I never made time for me...so what did I do ...I got rid of all my stresses in my life to make time for me...then I have to be faced with people from the past confused to why I sold my business? I was trapped we were in same restauarant...The questions you can tell running through their heads why I left the non profit group and all I can say is time for me....you can tell they want to know more..I tell them its my irritable bowel syndrome and more time with family?? More time with family.? More time to spend making my family thats what they fucken need to know..Do they really want to know I have spent my legs wide open nearly every second day last 3 weeks and last 5 months my vagina regularly looked at so if I told them the truth Im sure they would never ask again but why should I..I mean they care but they dont get it and they dont need to but why do they have to challenge me and why do they have to try to rope me back into that life for when I dont want to and Im to gutless to tell them I cant..as my excuses I come up with arent enough? So they know I dont want to go to weekly meetings but when I get the email to join the online non profit group I told them I will look at it but did not agree to it just to keep them quiet...Im too coward to tell them to their face Im not interested but in a email its so much better

Ahhhh now I feel better so maybe I can go back to bed now its 600am and hopefully have not tired myself out....

Meditating Monday

Well I have now officially begun my Monday meditation classes for 1 hour how good is that? As soon as our teacher starts talking Im already off. and relaxed..her voice is beautiful, soft and caring...I admire this woman and love her already for making me feel so good!!

Now I do use Circle & Bloom CD but nothing beats this meditating class...

I am disappointed though next Monday is public holiday so no class

So at current I am 4dp2dt so a bit to go yet

Ive decided to ditch the Kylie concert and give ticket to my mum as Im terrible for late nights and my body really feels it so thought best to give it a miss :(

Thanking everyone for all their well wishes and goodluck on my TWW week..I think 3 is a lucky number too and hoping this will be!! I am trying to stay focused and positive

Perfectly PUPO!!!

Yahh ladies I am now officially Pregnant until Proven Otherwise....now I need to stay focused on the little fertilised emby growing inside me..The emby was a perfectlly 4 cell yesterday for Day 2 and would you believe all 3 ladies that had egg collection on same day as me only had 1 egg to transfer that fertilised so here it is to the 3's...

Now this will be corny but got to have some superstition of good luck happens in 3's

I started my injectios on Friday 13th for FSH...and I saw this as a positive
I had my emby transfer on 3rd June
It was 3 weeks excactly the transfer from Starting IVF FSH injections to emby transfer
and....my mum even said we have had two announced pregnancies lately and I am going to be the third awww sweet mum

So all in all if we believe in the number 3 as good luck Im hoping that this is all meant to be

Also can someone explain what the 5Dp3dt means ie DT - day of transfer but what is DP?

Emby transfer scheduled for Fabulous Friday

Whata 24 hour period of anticipation to wait .....thanks to everyone and positive thoughts...my one egg fertilised woo hoo so off tomorrow for Day 2 transfer as the body is best incubator and then to get from my FS McDreamy the winning formula for the two week waiting (TWW)...

The only dilemma I have which is how do I tell my sister in law we cant go to the concert tomorrow night for tickets bought over 3 months ago who would have thought?

I also have Kylie concert next week but thinking that is Wednesday and I can sit down at that concert

One perfect emby....please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who was to know that when I titled my blog....I really need those comforting and positive words.....yes EPU was today and out of all my lovely follicles, we got one egg thats right a nice egg FS said so hoping and praying it fertilises

Wow this journey of IF is a rough and bumpy road and who knows when it will be smooth riding...

So as my blog says I need one perfect emby as thats all I have this cycle and as I have read the first IVF baby was only ever on one egg..and a women only falls natural with one egg each cycle ...and my chances are a little higher then natural cycle as we are having ICSI...This next 24 hours I need to go occupy the mind

Blessings to me everyone!

EDITED

God I love my mum from the moon and back and the whole universe she is my rock through this whole journey ...puts me back in perspective...its ok Emma ...you have one not none....

Marvellous Monday

For all those curious...tonight is T for Trigger thats right Im getting those eggs ripe and ready for picking Wednesday morning....I think this is one of the high moments of IVF knowing you have some follicles ready with hopefully some good mature eggies..All in all this IVF cycle #1 definately has had highs and lows but Im proud of myself for overcoming fear of needles...Im proud of my DH supporting me even though there were some stressful moments eg mixing our pregnyl shot together then on our last injection last night for pregnyl we did not have the 1/2ml measuring syringee which our clinic forgot to give to us so we were ringing around our local pharmacy which is like 25 km away and luckily was opened until midnight so we got it..DH got so stressed out god bless him
So pray for me please for Wednesday that I get some good eggs ripe and ready for fertilisation

Fantastic Friday

Well as it goes...15th day for my FSH injections...yes my body is addicted to these drugs since I was sloowww responding in the beginning I require a few more days of these drugs...so yahhh even with low ovarian reserve I now have 8 measurable follicles over 10mm, 2 at 16mm, 1 at 23mm and rest between 11-14mm. My Fertility Specialist wants to see how I go over weekend and measure again Monday for EPU Wednesday so I have more eggs..so looking pretty good apart from my dam irritating cough I have..may have to venture off to take my antiobiotics as no extra herbal medicine allowed on IVF :(
Every day I appreciate medical world for such invention and am so amazed about the whole IVF process...its still amazing how much control they have over my cycle and all I have to ensure is that I inject, sit back and relax and think positively grow follicles grow..Thank the universe for medical science and my wonderful and handsomely gorgeous fertility specialist is enough to put a smile on my face

Mighty Monday

Its also great to start the week off on a high...yes I had my third blood test and my body is now responding to FSH yahhh I had a good reading in bloods over 800 which is great (nurses words as I dont understand what is a bad reading)...so now fingers crossed for Wednesday for my bloods again and ultrasound for some fantastically mighty looking fresh follies.....

and a lovely announcement yesterday from long time IVF TTC Chon from http://mypathtoinsanityandbeyond.blogspot.com/ who finally got her BFP which is great news and thats what gives us all hope that our turn will come too

Focusing on the positives....

The therapeutic treatment I needed after yesterday and thought I would share to help the rest of you:-

1.Crocheting

Here is a picture of the blanket I gave my sister in law with baby boy due next week....cant wait to make one for my own

2. Walking my beautiful dog on a beautiful sunny autumn moring


3. I can see the colours of the autumn leaves


4. My husband is still standing by me even with our difficulties of becoming parents

5. We own our own house still paying off but has allowed me to work from home part time with my accounting business after selling most of my business I operated for 5 years

6. My husband I have travelled to many places around the world ...We are yet to go to Europe together hopefully one day we get there together ...IVF financially has stopped this but we still have been to Thailand, Japan, Fiji x 3, Hawaii and many other places within Australia

7. I have strong family bond to support me all the time

8. The journey of TTC has opened my eyes up to the spiritual world

9. I am educated has allowed my husband I to now afford IVF and the clnic and doctor ouf our choice.

To cry or not to cry....

Now I know this journey of TTC is difficult and heart wrenching...and I know the words of IVF and the journey is even harder....I have been dealing with it one day at a time thats right I think its the only way to stay above....
2 Blood tests down and one Ultra Sound...how many more to go? Who knows? God knows? Well I hope he bloody does and is kind to me.....

It was like a production line this  morning at the Ultra Sound all the ladies lined up getting their scans to see how many follicles they have and anything else ...I always battle nerves going through the process what do I expect today...I emptied my bladder as soon as I got there ie 45 min drive to my clinic and lots of fluid in morning always busting to go ...then had to wait approx 15 minutes...thought better empty bladder again as its filling it and it sure did need emptying...

US found 1 follicle right ovary and 5 follicles on left with a 3.4 cm cyst endometrioma....what the F**** ?? I was just on zolodex for 3 months to suppress my hormones just went through a second laprasacopy to get rid of them all and this bloody cyst had to appear (it was 1.3cm prior to starting FSH but too small to remove in laparascopy)....please body be kind to me...please

Anways after driving home and settling in after visiting my heavily pregnant Sister in law due next week after all my tests...I had to drive all the way bak 45 min there and back to get my extra goodies...yummy more drugs...now I get to inject myself every 3 days with pregnyl to stimulate ovaries a little bit more to give me good and better quality eggs

The positive my FS did not ring me to discuss the findings from the nurses and instructed second lots of drugs...got to be apositive as he is wishing to continue with me...so there is still hope !!!

In between waiting for the results and my scans this morning ..I visited my sister in law had a big cry before I got there and then tried to forget about my journey whilst there and focus on her baby to be and another lovely visit of 3 week old baby....babies all around ...god is that a sign that Im one step closer or gods way of teasing me? I thought visiting her was good therapy for me to surround myself with  more babies or am I insane?

So next is another BT on monday to measure then probably a BT and US Wednesday.....Now I really feel like a drug addict as pregnyl I get to mix two components together ...oooh Im so excited